Scotrail ticket machines are Scheidt

Do you see what I did there?

I was in Stirling the other week, and on Monday was trying to leave.

At the station, they had two folk on the ticket desks, both occupied, and a queue of 3 people. War and Peace was being dictated at the right hand desk, and since I thought that given I had the exact change, I would rattle some money through the Scheidt & Bachmann ticket machine that was also in the ticket office...

I managed to get it to accept four out of the six pounds (and ninety pence) required.

After a few futile attempts at getting the heap of Scheidt, heh, to accept my money - all the usual tricks were tried - topspin, backspin, coins in fast, coins in slow... No joy. I had to rejoin the queue, and purchase a ticket at the desk.

What's the point of these machines if you can't get your ticket on time to get your train? surely being at the station nearly ten minutes before the departure, and not at peak time either.

Also, the user interface of the machine leaves a lot to be desired... I don't want a few default offerings (usually returns, or tickets to useful places, I want to tell the machine where I am going, and it offer me some fares. Just like you do when you speak to a conductor. A single from Stirling to Haymarket please. Simple. Gaaaaaah!

The war of the roses

If I find whoever is picking roses from the bushes in my front garden, I'll stick their head on a spike.



If they would at least not damage the rest of the bush by tearing the flower off the stem. Idiots.

But hey, at least it's the second flowering of the year. What? I can still be angry and grow roses at the same time. Oh fuck off.

Puritans and Booze

I had the pleasure of visiting my home from home, The Scotch Malt Whisky Society, on Friday of last week... As a member of the society, I do visit both The Vaults and Queen Street, but on this occasion, I was in Queen St.

A very pleasant evening was had by all, although, when we came to leave and were considering purchasing bottles of whisky we found we could not due to these new puritanical licensing laws...

At 21:59 apparently I am a reasonable human being, mostly in control of my faculties, and they are allowed to sell me whisky by the bottle to add to my shelf.

At 22:00 however, I become a drooling moron, and am unable to buy a bottle of fine single cask single malt. They'll still serve me whisky by the dram, of course.

Which utter fucking moron came up with this new law? Clearly not someone who is a member of the society, or someone capable of holding their drink without making a complete and utter cunt of themselves.

I would like to take these puritans to the society, feed them fine whisky, excellent food. Show them we can behave ourselves. Then I'd like to hang them from a lamppost with piano wire the following day. Bastards! Can't they just leave us alone?

GBL is paint stripper

Once again we see the spin peddled about so called party drug GBL.

By calling it GBL, rather than its more common name, paint stripper, we shroud this chemical in mystery, and allow ourselves to pour pity and sympathy rather than scorn upon the people who use it "recreationally".

I use this substance recreationally - when I am doing some good old fashioned DIY in my house. Classifying it as a controlled substance is the most hilarious thing I have heard in a long time - does that mean my suppliers - B&Q and Homebase will be jailed for stocking PAINT STRIPPER?

I have as much sympathy for people consuming this as those who rummage under their sinks and drink drain cleaner.

When Paris Hilton was just a hotel...

I was at the gym today. It's on the site that I work at, and so it is a bit of a sausage-fest at the best of times. To reduce the boredom, and provide background noise, some music channel or other is on the telly. It's council telly.

The music was interrupted to show some sort of guff... Adverts I thought. I should be so lucky.

We were confronted with two vacuous blondes on a bus, with small dogs. Not useful small dogs. Annoying small dogs. The sort that yap, and / or hump your foot with monotonous regularity.

We were treated to footage when one of the dogs shat on the floor of the bus.

I thought to myself, this can't get much worse. And the next time I looked up at the telly - I found out just how wrong I was.

We now see the silly tarts in a nursery of some sort, and we then see an infant having its nappy changed (by one of them).

Who the fuck wants to see that at 17:00 on a music channel.

Thankfully I had my cans on, and was listening to some classic house music from the mid-to-late 90s so I didn't have to listen to any of this.

Wasn't life better when Paris Hilton was just a hotel?

Dumfries shenanigans

So, I was in a car with some chaps, and we were driving to Cardoness Castle at the weekend. We were involved in a road rage incident. I wasn't driving either, which makes it all the more amusing.

So, we pull out to overtake some slow moving person, and all of a sudden there's a guy right up our arse. As it were. He was driving a white VW Golf... I suppose it was a combination of our car not accelerating like normal due to there being 4 of us in it, that and the Golf driver having a heavy foot and being a twat.

So, he's behind us flashing his lights, and gesticulating wildly. We complete our overtaking manoeuvre, pull in, and he drives past (I do believe our driver and the chap in the golf exchanged some looks, words, and some hand signals) then pulls in in front of us, and starts pointing at the left hand side of the road. This goes on for a few hundred yards.

So, me, being in the passenger seat, made the well known sign of the wanker (clearly visible, obviously) and asked the chaps in the back if this guy was in his right mind.

So the chap slows down, and is indicating left, inviting us to stop and have a discussion with him.

We then speed up, and pull out to pass him as he is starting to enter a deceleration lane... At which point he sped up, pulled back on to the road, and gesticulated some more, waved at the left hand side of the road some more, then evidently got bored and drove on. (Driving like a cock as he went).

Should we have stopped and had a frank discussion with the man? I can't help but think that would have been an interesting moment when the 4 of us got out of the car...

Tram tweeter twatter

The Hootsman tells us that TIE, the Edinburgh Tram (singular) people, have employed a "a dedicated "tweeter" to lead an online PR offensive".

Well, can't be any more offensive than TIE and Edinburgh cuntcil flushing millions of pounds down the drain on a tram that people DO NOT WANT.

He amusingly comments in The Hootsman that people should search for "Edinburgh Trams" on facebook - Amusingly enough when I did that, I found a collection of anti tram groups!

Oh well, better luck next time, and while I remember... Get a real job!

Scottish Roundup Meetup

So I was the Pleasance last night with a few other Scottish bloggers, which was nice... There were a few new faces and a few old faces - it was great to catch up with folk. It was also amusing to find out just how small a world it is again :-)



Other than the occasional shower, and flyer, it was a very pleasant evening with lots of things being discussed - from politics (meh) to the future of the roundup to who was getting the next round in...



I am thinking we definitely need a caption contest for these... Now, is that a hand being waved, or am I getting flipped off here?


I can just imagine something outrageous being said here, the reality is probably some random political witterings... Shame...

Bin laden?

The Beeb tells us that Edinburgh cuntcil is now 4 weeks behind on bin collections in the city.

I can see the point of the refuse collection specialists (binmen) - if they're having to do overtime all the time, then surely the cuntcil should change the routes / hours of work and base salary so they don't have to work overtime or so much overtime just to do the "normal" job. It's just dumb, but then it's just typical of government contracts, isn't it?

So now we are in the position where the cuntcil is paying a private firm to do what their own workers should be doing...

Here's a suggestion for my fellow residents of Edinburgh:

Stop paying council tax, and overthrow the council.

We can do this better ourselves.

BrewDog Burbling...

The Metro this morning has a wee article about a (probably exciting) new offering from BrewDog - the 18.2% "Tokyo" beer. (Which I haven't tried yet)...

A 330ml bottle of Tokyo , made by BrewDog, contains six units of alcohol, which is twice the recommended daily limit.

Would that be the entirely made up limits that we found out were all lies in 2007?

Of course, the fake charity Alcohol Focus Scotland is quoted as saying something dreary about how we're all doomed.

What would we do without all this nannying? Perhaps taking some personal responsibility? But that would do the nanny types out of their public funded jobs, which would not do.

Godzilla wouldn't stand for it, and neither should we! Get the piano wire and a locate a robust lamppost!

I for one welcome our new beery overlords!

Attack of the Evil Terrorist Photographers!

Via The Register, a chap got arrested for taking pictures of Chatham High Street.

"Alex Turner was taking snaps in Chatham High St last Thursday, when he was approached by two unidentified men. They did not identify themselves, but demanded that he show them some ID and warned that if he failed to comply, they would summon police officers to deal with him."

We are seeing more and more of this sort of nonsense, with jumped up officious little twats in the police harassing people in the street and abusing their power.

I am with the Anonymous Coward on TheReg, who suggests:

"Someone should start a twit/book campaign for a national "photograph the police" day, if everyone is doing it, they can't stop us all"

All this CCTV around these days, and when that chap took a photo, the police claimed to feel threatened. Well boo-fucking-hoo. And then the police wonder why people don't trust or respect them!

There's a reckoning coming.

Hippies in idiocy (almost) shocker

The Hootsman tells us that a Disaster! was averted after a power cable was dug up by the hippies...

"The protesters set about digging up an 11KVA underground power cable, despite being told how dangerous it was and how it would affect the power supplies of local people of Douglas and the nearby hospital."

Were it not for the hospital potentially being affected by this, I'd say let the hippy bastards dig it up and electrocute themselves, and maybe flashover will take out a few more, and give others nearby a tan.

Fools.

Drinking with The Devil

Well, the first I knew that The Devil was in town, was when he wandered in to my / our / his local...

I wasn't brave enough to take a picture though, in case he possessed my camera...

A pleasure as always.

Reductio ad Hitlerum

It would seem Al Bore is playing the Hitler card...

The Hootsman reports:

"CLIMATE change poses as great a threat to civilisation as the Nazis did during the Second World War, former US vice-president Al Gore said yesterday."

*sigh*

I wonder when I'll get locked up for AGW denial...

My favourite Nokia product

Here's a scan of my favourite Nokia product so far:



And the reverse side:



Yep, that's Nokia as in phones... Sako is part owned by them. Here we have a flattened box for.222 Remington cartridges, which would appear to be a popular choice for the hunting rifles made by Sako...

I wonder if the hippy types will give up their phones knowing just how diverse Nokia's interests are...

I have a sudden urge to visit Texas again, and do some more shooting.

Certifiable

What is it with recruitment agencies and their love of certifications?

I am keeping an eye on the job market, and keep on seeing positions advertised for random places with a job spec that takes the piss. Not only do they want someone who is skilled in everything, but they're only willing to pay a salary of £20,000 or so for it. Do they really think they'll get decent folk for that for a highly technical job and keep them?

Recently I enquired regarding a simple IT manglement job - apparently it required ITIL and Prince2 certifications... What did people do before certifications? Oh, perhaps read CVs, see what actual real world experience they have, and make a judgement based on that to see if it's worth dragging them in for an interview. These days, it's keyword matching on a CV, and are you certified for... A poor excuse for recruitment.

Do certifications actually prove you're capable of doing the job, let alone a good job?

In my experience, no. (And from a hell of a lot of colleagues and friends on both sides of the Atlantic...)

The last time I interviewed anyone for a job was several years ago - dotcom times. We needed another one or two Unix systems administrators. A whole bunch of folks would be certified out the wazoo (technical certifications), and utterly incompetent at actually administering systems, and probably be a cunt to boot. But we persevered, and got a good guy who stayed with the company until more Venture Capitalist madness ensued, and he was "downsized".

It's worth noting that ITIL was developed by the UK government... Let's just remind ourselves of how many Government IT projects are on time, on budget, and work... (I know that's just asking for some smartarse to post comments about a project for buying toner or some shit like that).

I had the unfortunate luck to do a peasant level Six Sigma course recently (just the white belt). It seemed to embody everything I hate about certifications - it's stuff I did in a first year university half course on management. It's not difficult - and in fact it's mostly common sense. But then we're rather short on common sense these days, aren't we?

The only benefit of (some of) these certifications is that they nail down a common language to describe things. Having said that, it does mean that this common language is really a form of jargon, and pretty much renders the benefit null and void!

What scares me the most is that for a couple of days of course, you'll pay £1000 or more, and it's no guarantee you can do the job - just that you've remembered some answers long enough to pass a test, and maybe got a natty binder and mug for your trouble.

Anyway, back to recruiters being useless... I think the problem is recruiters are recruiters - they don't have a technical background, and as such cannot read a technical CV, see that the person is capable of actual work, since all they are doing is pattern matching... The answer to this problem is take recruiters out, shoot them, and go back to the company hiring their staff yourselves.

And in other news, gissa job... I can do that... Go on, gissa job!

I swear

From a friend of mine who is a software engineer and is now doing an MBA sent me this link to an oath for business people...

Take the Oath

I will act with utmost integrity and pursue my work in an ethical manner.

Integrity? Ethics? Aye, right.

I will take responsibility for my actions, and I will represent the performance and risks of my enterprise accurately and honestly.

I will take responsibility and make sure I have a golden parachute so when I fuck it all up and run the company in to the ground I'll get a massive pay off, and a monster of a pension!

This oath I make freely, and upon my honor.

Ah, well, we know we're in for more of the same, since we know they have no honour.

Oink! Oink!

No, not the pig cold that's going about... Our MPs...

The MPs who are taking the piss with their expenses.

Their expenses - OUR money, and they claim it's all legal and above board because... the system was designed by other MPs with their snouts in the trough.

It's not really the MPs fault though - it's ours. We allowed this to happen. Us.

Whilst the BBC reports on the matter, I am much more amused by The Daily Mash.

Maybe a good dose of Ivermectin would rid us of these parasites, but then the streets wouldn't be running with the blood of the corrupt politicians who we are allowing to ruin this country.

Hang 'em high!

Now there's a surprise

"Key tram section to be year late" proclaims the BBC.

"SNP MSP Shirley Anne Somerville said she was worried some parts of the route may be scrapped if it runs over budget."

Some parts? It's only one track! ONE!

A TIE lackey makes excuses:

"Any delays associated with these works have been regularly and widely communicated to the local business community and residents in the affected areas."

Ah, so that's why there are businesses with these in the windows then, eh?



We're even down to blaming dead people for the delays:

"The technical challenges in some areas of the tram route, including the removal of a 150-year-old gas main and the discovery of 300-year-old bodies, have unfortunately had an impact on the programme."

All I am getting is "waaah waaah waaaah waaaah waaaah".

In a city like Edinburgh, surely you would have some sort of contingency plan built in? Same with their budget - but it seems they've used it up...

Still no signs of an audit, still no signs of the people of Edinburgh actually standing up to the cuntcil.

Attaboy!

The interwebs (WSBTV, Atlanta) reports that a group of college students said they are lucky to be alive and that they're thanking their quick-thinking gun carrying friend.

Bailey said the gunmen started counting bullets. “The other guy asked how many (bullets) he had. He said he had enough,” said Bailey.

That’s when one student grabbed a gun out of a backpack and shot at the invader who was watching the men. The gunman ran out of the apartment.

Now, if you're taken at gunpoint by two guys, told to hand over your wallets, phones and jewellery, then the gunmen start asking themselves how many rounds of ammunition they have. They separate the men and women. Now one of them is about to sexually assault someone in the apartment. What are you going to do? Most people are powerless to fight back.

The first rule of a gunfight is bring a gun.

Of course, if this had happened in Britain, we'd have the student arrested.
Time and time again we see law abiding folk being victims because they are not able to respond to violence from criminals. It makes a refreshing change to see that a potential victim turn the situation around, and save the lives of his friends.

Just remember, when you have seconds to live, the Police are only a few minutes away.

It's the MEPs who need clubbed

Well, I blogged about this last summer, and it looks like those bastards in Europe have done it.

The Hootsman reports that "the manufacture and sale of sealskin sporrans will be illegal from next autumn. This will affect existing unsold stock and also the second-hand trade."

I suggest we start clubbing MEPs.

Piracy

The Hootsman tells us of a cruise ship being attacked by pirates, the pirates being repulsed by an on-board Israeli security force...

"the pirates retreated after the security officers returned fire and sprayed them with water hoses. The ship then continued its journey, with windows darkened."

Jolly good.

Now, what do you think a chap from the East African Sea Farers Assistance Programme said about this?

"Having weapons on a passenger or merchant ship is dangerous. They should have used other means to shake off the pirates, like a loud acoustic device."

As one commenter on the article said - is that chap willing to stand at the rail, and shout "Go away!" at the pirates? And just which African sea farers is he spokesman for?

I am reliably informed, by a friend in the Royal Navy, that our modern warhips still have a yardarm... When I asked him why we were not hanging pirates from them, or returning them from whence they came he replied that apparently returning them to a home country where the penalty for piracy is death would be a breach of their human rights. Ah well.

I think The Englishman has the right idea with an alternate cruise offering. His readers have some excellent suggestions for things to take on the cruise.

Arrrr.

A westerly view

I was at the pub last night (shock, horror) and noted some new beer mats - duly scanned in today...



My drinking buddies and I feel that for a west coast brewery, the "I'm still enjoying this beverage so please don't remove it, I'll be back in a minute!" was a bit long winded, and not the natural language of the west...

So we came up with the following:

"Just gonnae no!"
"Hands off my pint ya cunt!"
"This is my pint, there are many like it, but this one is mine!"
"Here you! I'm coming back for that!"
"And leave ma seat alane an a'!"
"Haw, touch ma pint and I'll chib ye!"

Feel free to make some suggestions in the comments.
If you're from the West brewery and reading this - the dunkel is a decent pint, keep up the good work! (And please don't spank me for scanning in your beer mat).

And do you know what?

You can fuck off!

Fat tests for over 40s, says the Torygraph.

Clearly I am not there yet, but a fat bastard I certainly am. The last time I went to see a quack was the best part of 10 years ago, when I was living in Texas. I had an ear infection.

And yet again, BMI rears its ugly, discredited head...

"BMI checks will make sure people know they are overweight and will help to turn their health around"

Oh really?

Tell you what, the only way you're going to get me to see a doctor is when I have an arm or a leg missing. And even then, I'll claim it's a flesh wound.

In the meantime, fuck off and let me live my life the way I see fit.

It's a loose lose situation

I keep on reading crap on the internet (I should probably stop there) where people have used loose instead of lose, and there / their / they're, and others too. Oh, what else is there?

"Its loose loose really."

"there not just police its the army? look at there hats MP? its a question"

Just fucking stop it! That and learn how to use an apostrophe.

Gaaaaaah!

The English language is being threatened by fucktards and lazy bastards who cannot be bothered to apply primary school level English usage.

And don't get me started on TXTSPK.

Sorry I got caught

Jacqui Smith sorry for expense claim says the BBC

Sorry she got pulled up for it more like.

It's not like it's the first time she has been up to no good with our money. There are more links than I can be bothered to cut and paste!

Why are we the people not outraged by these continual piss takes from our elected representatives? Why do we not hang them off a lamppost using piano wire?

Airgun confusion - no confusion

Again with The Scotsman...

Can we say: posturing move with Westminster?

"Mr MacAskill said: "The law around air and replica guns is too confusing and needs to be reformed. However, the Home Secretary refuses to either do this or devolve the powers so that the Scottish Government can."

No, it's not confusing at all, it's just that MacAskill is an idiot.

I think the comments say it all.

How about a nice cup of cancer?

How about a nice cup of shit the fuck up?

The Hootsman reports that drinking hot tea – between 65C and 69C – was associated with twice the risk of oesophageal cancer compared to drinking warm tea – less than 65C. But drinking very hot tea – above 70C – was linked to an eight-fold higher risk.

Next week, they will no doubt report that being alive can be linked to a higher risk of cancer.

Who are these idiots? Why can't we just be left alone to enjoy a nice cup of tea, one of life's few remaining pleasures, in peace, without some dunder-heid telling us we're a' doomed.

Industrial fuckwittedness and the arsehole coefficient

After conversing with a number of people I know, some of whom I work with. Yes, I do work sometimes, I have come to observe a phenomenon known as the arsehole coefficient in the workplace.

For a company of size n, the arsehole coefficient is a, where a < n, unless you're really unlucky.

As people get pissed off with company, and the company offers voluntary redundancies and pay cuts, the good people in the company tend to go early because they are good people - they can be easily employed elsewhere, and can get decent salaries. As such, n decreases, a tends to stay the same, and the ratio of n to a increases - that's the arsehole coefficient.

The private sector is unknowingly or unthinkingly propagating this by not offering raises - some people I know haven't had a raise in 4 or 5 years - they've had the occasional bonus, but that's no use when you're talking to your mortgage people is it? The companies are not being brave enough to get rid of the fuckwits, and are generally being scared by the market at the moment.

As a result of this, they are haemorrhaging good staff who can seek a raise as they move to pastures new. It would seem that certain employers are hell bent on driving what few good remaining staff are there by making it more difficult for employees to stay (arsehole coefficient biting them there) and general bad feeling about their compensation - and yet I expect they'll wonder why their workforce is demotivated, their products are shite, and why the company is going down the pan.

Many of these companies are placing too much stock in their stock. (Whilst I do realise it is the duty of the directors to maximise the share price for the investors, it's also the duty of the board to ensure there's a company still there for there to maximise!)

The board is only interested in the share price - and companies are pressing on with share buy back schemes and so on, when it is clear that the stock market is in the middle of a wibble. They seem incapable of taking a long term view as opposed to a blinkered short term approach. The long term view of investing in their staff, and as such their product line for a pay off in the future, not a fast buck now.

If investors and management had any sense, they would insist that the long term stability of the company was put first. Short term fiddling of the stock prices by laying off staff, buying back shares, hiring contractors instead of permanent employees, and generally running the company in to the ground would be frowned upon since the long term stability of the company (and people's pension funds) would be jeopardised.

Long live the long term point of view.

Princes Street gets tram reprieve for festivals...

Princes Street gets tram roadworks reprieve for festivals... The Hootsman reports that TIE have struck some deal or other to wind the roadworks down during the plague of tourists seasons.

So yet another knife in the back for Edinburgh residents who have to suffer for longer so that the tourists see nice clear streets for their 5 minute visit to the city.

I'd have the lot of them shot as collaborators.

Women are shallow and are after your money

The Hootsman reports some amusing study results...

In a study carried out by psychologists at the University of Wales, involving 120 people, when women were presented with separate images of the same man sitting in a silver Bentley Continental, then a red Ford Fiesta, they viewed him as ''more attractive'' in the prestige car.

As opposed to the blokes who found the women equally attractive no matter what car they were pictured in. Quietly grateful for any female attention, no doubt.

A psychologist is quoted as saying:

"It's hard to fight against our genetic inheritance. I think women have always looked to men for some sort of financial security and the car is proof of that."

Ah, so they're not just gold digging for the sake of it then... What a relief.

Parliamentary inscription wanted...

Parliamentary inscription wanted - The Beeb says we can send in suggestions for a blurb to be chiselled in stone on the pretendy parliament.

Here's one:

You're a shower of bastards and a waste of money.
You should be hanging from lampposts.
The collaborators should be put up against a wall.

I bet we get humped on the price for the inscription too.

Orgy story took my dignity

Max Mosley claims the orgy story in the press took his dignity...

I thought being spanked by hookers did that.

Don't mess with Texas

I went on holiday to Texas to see friends, eat BBQ and steak, and shoot guns.

Austin was warm and sunny, as usual - 80F (ish), and rained only the once. My timing was near perfect - warm enough to be pleasant to be out - evenings cool down fairly quickly though. Certainly not as hot as it gets in the summer 100F for weeks on end.

Amusingly enough, I hired a car (well, more like a tank) for the duration - a Chevy Blazer. I don't drive in Edinburgh, but obviously it's hard to get around a city like Austin without your own transport - and one can't impose upon friends for transportation all the time, particularly since they're at work, or up to whatever they get up to. The last time I was behind the wheel was the last time I was in Austin, which was about 3 years ago. They've sprouted some new freeways - toll roads, which make going places a lot quicker than the parking lot otherwise known as I35. And I only nearly crashed once.

Here are some pictures of my remarkably anger and stress free vacation...

Austin:


I worked in Austin, almost 10 years ago, during the .com craziness. It was all very stressful, I didn't make my millions there, but did make a lot of friends.

BBQ:



The evil people at The Salt Lick have opened up a new pit BBQ and restaurant up by Round Rock. I have made the pilgrimage to Driftwood a number of times for the fab BBQ, and now excellent MEAT can be enjoyed after a much shorter drive to Round Rock. They were doing a $3 off the family style (all you can eat) which is pictured above. Plates like that keep coming to the table until you stop them. Family style is best enjoyed in large groups and (obviously) when hungry.

Guns:



I'll not post pics of my targets here - they're online elsewhere. My shooting was fairly crap, but then again, I haven't shot anything in 3 years. For the record, everything hit the target card. Most hit close to the centre, but I have done better in the past. I was rather rushed though, Red's Range was closing early for maintenance so a blitzkrieg session was had. 50 rounds through a HK USP 40 S&W pistol, and 50 rounds through the (pictured) .223 Colt AR-15.

The 2 weeks I spent there were ab-fab, with many thanks to my hosts. I definitely could have done with staying for another week or so - particularly since there were a few people I didn't manage to see. That and I returned to find work in the middle of another cluster-fuck.

More help for students - the saviours of the economy

The Hootsman has a hilarious opinion piece on why we should dig deeper for students...

"Student numbers are going up as people desperately try to reorient their careers. But, at the same time, those in full-time higher and further education are finding it difficult to fund their studies"

The article ends with a pithy remark about how more graduates will save the flagging British economy. (Although you'll probably have to actually read the paper for that...) Something about how, once they graduate, they'll make lots of money and spend lots of money, and that's just what we need.

That would be all very well and good if these students weren't all studying yoghurt knitting and basket weaving, and other such utterly pointless courses, at pointless "universities".

Go and get an apprenticeship - be a plumber or something! Then maybe I'll be able to get a plumber at less than 4 months notice, and an arm and a leg an hour. Gaaaaah!

At the third stroke the time will be

1234567890

Huzzah!

Huh?

Bankers need a lesson in humility

Fifth and final in the Metro rant series.

"The four bank bosses should have a 'lesson in humility' from the government, a peer urged."

Sorry - did I just read that right? is this the same government which took our men and women off to war on a lie? Is it the same government who had the mantra "Education, Education, Education" and promptly brought in tuition fees at University? Is that the same government who day by day create more laws infringing more of our civil liberties as enshrined in the Magna Carta?

We're locking up too many women

Oh really? (This is number four in the Metro rant series)

Clearly the justiciary disagree with the head of the prison service. If people are naughty, lock 'em up. It's not just about rehabilitation, but you also have to consider the victims of crime, and the population as a whole are better off with some of these people off the streets.

--

I wonder if this boils down to little girls being made of sugar and spice and all things nice, and prison being too nasty a place for them. Prison is a nasty place for nasty boys - slugs and snails and puppy dog's tails.

(Actually, I like puppy dogs and their tails).

Gas guzzlers face £320 parking bill

Number three in a series of Metro letters...

Is this the same story as last year, or are they actually going to do it this time? Correct me if I am wrong, but do cars pollute when parked? Do CEC expect long suffering motorists to sell up and buy new cars (ignoring the financial cost - just think about the waste of a perfectly good old car)...

This is nothing more than Edinburgh's car hating policy making once again - they are still spanking us for saying no to the full tram monty. When I am taking the train to work all week (assuming it's running) having a nice car to play with at the weekend is a great thing - this is nothing more than luddism. That and their failing, underfunded trams project needs funded somehow. They see me rollin' - They hatin'

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We need to set fire to council offices and start hanging cuntcillors with piano wire from the lampposts. It is clearly the only way to stop this sort of shite spewing forth from the City of Edinburgh Cuntcil offices.

17-year-old mum of one expecting triplets

Second in the Metro rants series.

Does she or her partner have a job, or am I paying for this as well?

(And now for the rest of the rant that I did not email to the Metro)

In the highly unlikely event of them having jobs and being self sufficient, please ignore all further ranting on the subject. Assuming that is not the case, why hasn't she been kicked in the cunt, and her boyfriend had his cock stamped on until is stops working.

Why do we let these people live off the back of our hard graft?

10-year-olds paid to stop smoking

The first in the series of Metro rants.

10 year old kids smoking - where are they getting the ciggies from in the first place?

Why aren't these brats being spanked - oh yes, because the same politically correct crowd that told us we can't spank kids are telling us we need to bribe them with taxpayers' money to stop them from smoking something that will probably end up costing the taxpayer more in the long run in costs to the NHS.

Quell the rage

As those who know me know, I try to temper my rage by going to the gym. It also has the side effect of making me thirsty, which means I enjoy a pint or two afterwards even more.

The trouble with being at the work gym (other than there being no women there) is that there's always some guff on the telly - 4music or TMF or some other shit.

Gym music needs to be upbeat - get the blood pumpin, body jumpin, and all that sort of (techno) house music stuff. What do we get these days? Shite rap - remember you can't spell crap without rap. Here's a youtube video - pish, but on the plus side has ho's, or are they bitches? - I can never remember, and the terminology changes so frequently... Anyway, women jiggling around in their underwear. Not that I am complaining about scantily clad hotties, but I think when it's the only redeeming feature of your supposed music, I think the point is being missed somewhat...

With the previous "music" over, a similar racket continues, interspersed with copious and annoying ad breaks. No wonder folk are so miserable - shite love songs, shite from people who aren't old enough to take a drink singing the blues.

Having had enough of this drivel, I was so enraged that I wandered to HMV and bought a complete set of Mahler's symphonies. I have been listening to this all week in between doing some work, and swearing at colleagues. It has been quite soothing.

Clearly the solution is for me to acquire some sort of walkman, and take some banging house choons with me to the gym and ignore the crap on the telly. However, I'll be damned if I am going to buy an iPod. An order has been placed with Nokia for bluetooth stereo headphones so I can make the gash battery life on my phone even worse.

Yay.

Cunts.

Awww, shit!

Have you noticed the recent proliferation in piles of dog shit on pavements round Edinburgh? I expect it's probably the same in a lot of other cities.

People have forgotten basic civility - don't let your dog take a massive shite in the middle of the pavement. Sure enough, someone will come along and step in it, and then tramp it half way across the city causing wee brown shitey splodges for several yards (sue me) that everyone else to try to avoid as well as the original, slightly flatter, pile.

Do you remember when training your dog not to shit on the carpet in the house, that when you caught them pinching a loaf indoors, you'd rub their nose in it, and shout a lot? Perhaps we need to do this to the lazy bastard dog owners who let their dogs shite all over the place! Rub their noses right in their dog's shit pile. It's not the dog's fault their owner is an ignorant, inconsiderate arsehole.

I'd ask why the council aren't doing anything about it, but I think the simple answer to that is because they're a bunch of cunts who would rather piss about with ruining the city with trams than actually trying to sort something useful out for the residents! I'd also ask why people who have these turds right outside their front doors don't chuck a bucket of soapy water over it to wash it in to the drain? Sooner or later someone will tramp it in to their flat or close...

And for the record, this was prompted by the turd on Brougham Place which I have been dodging for almost a week. Bastards.

IdeaCom Technology Inc Windows Vista Update breaks the computer

I have a Dell laptop, Precision M70 (who wants to touch me?) with pointy nipple and touchpad - both of which were broken with the optional "IdeaCom HID Touch Screen PS/2" update for windows vista x32.

I also have a Shuttle, Athlon x64 PC, running Vista Business x64 which also had the trackball on the keyboard fail after the update.

Do not install this update, it will fuck up your Qi.

It has made me very grumpy. At least remote desktop is unaffected by this crap.

Wise Investment

The Torygraph tells us that Merrill Lynch (haven't they gone bust yet?) say that rich folk are buying gold instead of keeping their money in the bank, or under the mattress.

"They are so worried they want a portable asset in their house. I never thought I would be getting calls from clients saying they want a box of krugerrands,

That could be because nobody trusts the banks any more - no matter how the governments try to convince us that everything will be ok.

My pal Johnny sent me a link to a gold seller a few months ago. They do very tasteful little bars of gold, and also coin. I am tempted.

I am stockpiling, for The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, or other method of the ending civilisation, bottles of whisky (which I can drink) and cans of Heinz Cream of Tomato soup. Johnny tells me he's hoarding coffee and pornography.

I can't help but think I should be stockpiling some of these cartridges... And I'm not talking about for my fountain pen.