Scotrail ticket machines are Scheidt

Do you see what I did there?

I was in Stirling the other week, and on Monday was trying to leave.

At the station, they had two folk on the ticket desks, both occupied, and a queue of 3 people. War and Peace was being dictated at the right hand desk, and since I thought that given I had the exact change, I would rattle some money through the Scheidt & Bachmann ticket machine that was also in the ticket office...

I managed to get it to accept four out of the six pounds (and ninety pence) required.

After a few futile attempts at getting the heap of Scheidt, heh, to accept my money - all the usual tricks were tried - topspin, backspin, coins in fast, coins in slow... No joy. I had to rejoin the queue, and purchase a ticket at the desk.

What's the point of these machines if you can't get your ticket on time to get your train? surely being at the station nearly ten minutes before the departure, and not at peak time either.

Also, the user interface of the machine leaves a lot to be desired... I don't want a few default offerings (usually returns, or tickets to useful places, I want to tell the machine where I am going, and it offer me some fares. Just like you do when you speak to a conductor. A single from Stirling to Haymarket please. Simple. Gaaaaaah!

The war of the roses

If I find whoever is picking roses from the bushes in my front garden, I'll stick their head on a spike.



If they would at least not damage the rest of the bush by tearing the flower off the stem. Idiots.

But hey, at least it's the second flowering of the year. What? I can still be angry and grow roses at the same time. Oh fuck off.

Puritans and Booze

I had the pleasure of visiting my home from home, The Scotch Malt Whisky Society, on Friday of last week... As a member of the society, I do visit both The Vaults and Queen Street, but on this occasion, I was in Queen St.

A very pleasant evening was had by all, although, when we came to leave and were considering purchasing bottles of whisky we found we could not due to these new puritanical licensing laws...

At 21:59 apparently I am a reasonable human being, mostly in control of my faculties, and they are allowed to sell me whisky by the bottle to add to my shelf.

At 22:00 however, I become a drooling moron, and am unable to buy a bottle of fine single cask single malt. They'll still serve me whisky by the dram, of course.

Which utter fucking moron came up with this new law? Clearly not someone who is a member of the society, or someone capable of holding their drink without making a complete and utter cunt of themselves.

I would like to take these puritans to the society, feed them fine whisky, excellent food. Show them we can behave ourselves. Then I'd like to hang them from a lamppost with piano wire the following day. Bastards! Can't they just leave us alone?

GBL is paint stripper

Once again we see the spin peddled about so called party drug GBL.

By calling it GBL, rather than its more common name, paint stripper, we shroud this chemical in mystery, and allow ourselves to pour pity and sympathy rather than scorn upon the people who use it "recreationally".

I use this substance recreationally - when I am doing some good old fashioned DIY in my house. Classifying it as a controlled substance is the most hilarious thing I have heard in a long time - does that mean my suppliers - B&Q and Homebase will be jailed for stocking PAINT STRIPPER?

I have as much sympathy for people consuming this as those who rummage under their sinks and drink drain cleaner.

When Paris Hilton was just a hotel...

I was at the gym today. It's on the site that I work at, and so it is a bit of a sausage-fest at the best of times. To reduce the boredom, and provide background noise, some music channel or other is on the telly. It's council telly.

The music was interrupted to show some sort of guff... Adverts I thought. I should be so lucky.

We were confronted with two vacuous blondes on a bus, with small dogs. Not useful small dogs. Annoying small dogs. The sort that yap, and / or hump your foot with monotonous regularity.

We were treated to footage when one of the dogs shat on the floor of the bus.

I thought to myself, this can't get much worse. And the next time I looked up at the telly - I found out just how wrong I was.

We now see the silly tarts in a nursery of some sort, and we then see an infant having its nappy changed (by one of them).

Who the fuck wants to see that at 17:00 on a music channel.

Thankfully I had my cans on, and was listening to some classic house music from the mid-to-late 90s so I didn't have to listen to any of this.

Wasn't life better when Paris Hilton was just a hotel?

Dumfries shenanigans

So, I was in a car with some chaps, and we were driving to Cardoness Castle at the weekend. We were involved in a road rage incident. I wasn't driving either, which makes it all the more amusing.

So, we pull out to overtake some slow moving person, and all of a sudden there's a guy right up our arse. As it were. He was driving a white VW Golf... I suppose it was a combination of our car not accelerating like normal due to there being 4 of us in it, that and the Golf driver having a heavy foot and being a twat.

So, he's behind us flashing his lights, and gesticulating wildly. We complete our overtaking manoeuvre, pull in, and he drives past (I do believe our driver and the chap in the golf exchanged some looks, words, and some hand signals) then pulls in in front of us, and starts pointing at the left hand side of the road. This goes on for a few hundred yards.

So, me, being in the passenger seat, made the well known sign of the wanker (clearly visible, obviously) and asked the chaps in the back if this guy was in his right mind.

So the chap slows down, and is indicating left, inviting us to stop and have a discussion with him.

We then speed up, and pull out to pass him as he is starting to enter a deceleration lane... At which point he sped up, pulled back on to the road, and gesticulated some more, waved at the left hand side of the road some more, then evidently got bored and drove on. (Driving like a cock as he went).

Should we have stopped and had a frank discussion with the man? I can't help but think that would have been an interesting moment when the 4 of us got out of the car...

Tram tweeter twatter

The Hootsman tells us that TIE, the Edinburgh Tram (singular) people, have employed a "a dedicated "tweeter" to lead an online PR offensive".

Well, can't be any more offensive than TIE and Edinburgh cuntcil flushing millions of pounds down the drain on a tram that people DO NOT WANT.

He amusingly comments in The Hootsman that people should search for "Edinburgh Trams" on facebook - Amusingly enough when I did that, I found a collection of anti tram groups!

Oh well, better luck next time, and while I remember... Get a real job!