Never seen snow before

Here in Scotland we have just uncovered a new concept in rain. It's like rain, but colder. It's not quite as cold as hail. It's a bastard halfway house called snow.

Clearly, we've never seen it before, since when it fell from the sky, the entire city stopped.

Today, I arranged to go for lunch at the society. I walked to the west end to meet my pal, and then find a chariot to take us there... Half way along George Street, I finally found one. In the hackney conveyance all was not rosy, as we braked suddenly on the slippery roads, going down Leith Walk, due to some fucking idiot walking out in front of the cab. Somehow, we didn't slide - I don't really understand why, given the typical grit coverage from the City of Edinburgh Cuntcil.

People seem to lose all sense of physics when snow happens.

One morning last year while I was walking to the station to go to work, I get to the Tollcross junction just as the lights were changing - the driver coming down Lauriston Place was driving as if conditions were perfect. I hated to break it to her, but they were not. I saw that the vehicle was traveling quite fast, and thought to myself - fuck me, I'm going to get killed if I walk across the road in front of that - and so I stood where I was. The driver duly braked when they would have braked when conditions were normal, then she fishtailed all the way down to the lights. The expression on her face was hilarious. "How can the laws of physics let me down in this way" her face said. Bless.

Actually, it was more of a "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU........slide sideways.......UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Which would have concerned me, had I not been stood behind a robust traffic light pole.

Edinburgh council roads survey

Oh go on... Tell them what you think of their services...

Road Services Survey

Give 'em both barrels!

The survey broke a couple of times for me yesterday evening, but eventually it seemed to submit my results (probably to the bit bucket).

The war of the roses

If I find whoever is picking roses from the bushes in my front garden, I'll stick their head on a spike.



If they would at least not damage the rest of the bush by tearing the flower off the stem. Idiots.

But hey, at least it's the second flowering of the year. What? I can still be angry and grow roses at the same time. Oh fuck off.

Puritans and Booze

I had the pleasure of visiting my home from home, The Scotch Malt Whisky Society, on Friday of last week... As a member of the society, I do visit both The Vaults and Queen Street, but on this occasion, I was in Queen St.

A very pleasant evening was had by all, although, when we came to leave and were considering purchasing bottles of whisky we found we could not due to these new puritanical licensing laws...

At 21:59 apparently I am a reasonable human being, mostly in control of my faculties, and they are allowed to sell me whisky by the bottle to add to my shelf.

At 22:00 however, I become a drooling moron, and am unable to buy a bottle of fine single cask single malt. They'll still serve me whisky by the dram, of course.

Which utter fucking moron came up with this new law? Clearly not someone who is a member of the society, or someone capable of holding their drink without making a complete and utter cunt of themselves.

I would like to take these puritans to the society, feed them fine whisky, excellent food. Show them we can behave ourselves. Then I'd like to hang them from a lamppost with piano wire the following day. Bastards! Can't they just leave us alone?

Tram tweeter twatter

The Hootsman tells us that TIE, the Edinburgh Tram (singular) people, have employed a "a dedicated "tweeter" to lead an online PR offensive".

Well, can't be any more offensive than TIE and Edinburgh cuntcil flushing millions of pounds down the drain on a tram that people DO NOT WANT.

He amusingly comments in The Hootsman that people should search for "Edinburgh Trams" on facebook - Amusingly enough when I did that, I found a collection of anti tram groups!

Oh well, better luck next time, and while I remember... Get a real job!

Scottish Roundup Meetup

So I was the Pleasance last night with a few other Scottish bloggers, which was nice... There were a few new faces and a few old faces - it was great to catch up with folk. It was also amusing to find out just how small a world it is again :-)



Other than the occasional shower, and flyer, it was a very pleasant evening with lots of things being discussed - from politics (meh) to the future of the roundup to who was getting the next round in...



I am thinking we definitely need a caption contest for these... Now, is that a hand being waved, or am I getting flipped off here?


I can just imagine something outrageous being said here, the reality is probably some random political witterings... Shame...

Bin laden?

The Beeb tells us that Edinburgh cuntcil is now 4 weeks behind on bin collections in the city.

I can see the point of the refuse collection specialists (binmen) - if they're having to do overtime all the time, then surely the cuntcil should change the routes / hours of work and base salary so they don't have to work overtime or so much overtime just to do the "normal" job. It's just dumb, but then it's just typical of government contracts, isn't it?

So now we are in the position where the cuntcil is paying a private firm to do what their own workers should be doing...

Here's a suggestion for my fellow residents of Edinburgh:

Stop paying council tax, and overthrow the council.

We can do this better ourselves.

Drinking with The Devil

Well, the first I knew that The Devil was in town, was when he wandered in to my / our / his local...

I wasn't brave enough to take a picture though, in case he possessed my camera...

A pleasure as always.

Now there's a surprise

"Key tram section to be year late" proclaims the BBC.

"SNP MSP Shirley Anne Somerville said she was worried some parts of the route may be scrapped if it runs over budget."

Some parts? It's only one track! ONE!

A TIE lackey makes excuses:

"Any delays associated with these works have been regularly and widely communicated to the local business community and residents in the affected areas."

Ah, so that's why there are businesses with these in the windows then, eh?



We're even down to blaming dead people for the delays:

"The technical challenges in some areas of the tram route, including the removal of a 150-year-old gas main and the discovery of 300-year-old bodies, have unfortunately had an impact on the programme."

All I am getting is "waaah waaah waaaah waaaah waaaah".

In a city like Edinburgh, surely you would have some sort of contingency plan built in? Same with their budget - but it seems they've used it up...

Still no signs of an audit, still no signs of the people of Edinburgh actually standing up to the cuntcil.

Princes Street gets tram reprieve for festivals...

Princes Street gets tram roadworks reprieve for festivals... The Hootsman reports that TIE have struck some deal or other to wind the roadworks down during the plague of tourists seasons.

So yet another knife in the back for Edinburgh residents who have to suffer for longer so that the tourists see nice clear streets for their 5 minute visit to the city.

I'd have the lot of them shot as collaborators.

Parliamentary inscription wanted...

Parliamentary inscription wanted - The Beeb says we can send in suggestions for a blurb to be chiselled in stone on the pretendy parliament.

Here's one:

You're a shower of bastards and a waste of money.
You should be hanging from lampposts.
The collaborators should be put up against a wall.

I bet we get humped on the price for the inscription too.

The 392

Via a colleague of mine, The Hootsman reports that there are 392 sets of roadworks in Edinburgh at the moment...

"The level of disruption was today described as unprecedented"

Oh really?

It gets better... Apparently we have a "cone tsar":

"A spokesman for Mr Gooday said he was taking a "strategic view" of roadworks and continuing to work alongside local authorities as part of the Roads Authorities and Utilities Committee Scotland"

Well, if he's taking a strategic view, then everything is OK then, isn't it?

I suppose we should just hang the "cone tsar" from a lamppost with some piano wire. (What the fuck is a cone tsar anyway?) Why are we paying for cunts like this to fuck our lives up?

Spanking Edinburgh's Motorists. Again.

The Hootsman tells us that the cuntcil are running a consultation on the proposed increase in parking charges for higher polluting vehicles.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but a vehicle that is parked is not polluting. It's when it is running that it is... So perhaps encouraging people to leave their vehicles parked would be the way forward. The vitriol between the luddites, and sane people in the comments is quite entertaining, if it weren't so tragic. 4x4s are baaaaad, they bleat. Forgetting that so many estate cars and large saloons favoured by those with families are just as big and just as polluting.

What this looks like is a simple case of the council trying to screw motorists in the city, and using supposed green arguments as an excuse. Mostly because the cuntcillors will be taking taxis everywhere, paid for by us, so what do they care? Bastards.

One commenter links to The Glasgow Herald. (They call it The Herald now, but some of us are old enough to remember when they weren't ashamed to have a west coast bias). Apparently Glasgow council had the sense to listen to their residents... Makes a change. Last time Edinburgh asked us what we thought, and we said no, the cuntcil spanked us by inflicting a tram line on us.

Why don't you take this opporchancity to tell the bastards what you think of their plans?

Wendy Alexander and "Natural Justice"

I was reading the Metro this morning, as I was suffering my daily drag to work on the trains, and read the article on pg 4 about Wendy not being banned from the wee pretendy parliament.

So, the (low) standards committee recommended that she be barred for 1 day for failing to register the donations she received to her leadershit campaign.

The pretendy parliament then voted 70 to 49 to not ban her for 1 day.

Wendy describes the result as "a victory for the law, for natural justice and for common sense".

I can't believe the cheek of it. She's sucking down OUR tax money as a public servant, fucking us by not playing by the rules, and she has the cheek to tell us that was a victory for the law? Common sense in that place has been sorely lacking for a hell of a long time.

In my rather angry opinion, a victory for natural justice would be that cunt swinging from a lamppost.

Edinburgh is a shite place to live...

It's official.

The BBC reports that the happiest places to live have been mapped out.

"Edinburgh, despite its cosmopolitan reputation and internationally acclaimed fringe festival, was bottom of the list."

That would be because there are hardly any locals in the city... And those folk who do live here, have to battle through hordes of tourist filth clogging up the streets for one month of constant fireworks, flyers and irritating cunts talking about how great their show is, would you like a free ticket?

"Staying in an area for five years or longer was an important indicator of well being, said the scientists."

Edinburgh will have a lot of transient student types (the ones I complain about coming here, voting Labour, and second vote green, and fucking off again.) So this will add weight to the <5 years lot. I came here as student filth in 1996, and left (after graduation) for a brief spell of steak, weak beer and guns in Austin, Texas. I came back though.

And here I still am. And I am here because Edinburgh is actually a great place to live. Great socially, great to catch up with pals after work for a pint. Great to wander round the city, soak in the atmosphere, architecture and ambience... (When you can get moving when the tourists are away).

The trouble with living in Edinburgh is continually being bent over and fucked by the cuntcil. Who know better than everyone...

"Objectors ... have claimed it could jeopardise the city's World Heritage site status."

Didn't the chaps who came to visit us from UNESCO say this themselves?

Edinburgh's design champion Sir Terry Farrell told BBC Scotland: "Edinburgh is changing, it is becoming a bigger city in every sense, it's being recognised as a force in urban cities in Europe and in Great Britain."

Edinburgh has always been a great city historically... We know these things, we live here... The question is - do you? Do you use public transport in the city? Do you walk anywhere in the city? Do you talk to people who actually live and work here?

Do you fuck.

"It also has the tram and the waterfront, these are big changes."

Big changes? Big disruptions. Big waste of money.

We don't have trams. We've got fucking massive holes in the road. We have roadworks. We have ambulances delayed at junctions due to shite traffic management in the troubled times. We've got listed buildings being demolished. We've got businesses up in arms due to massive restrictions on loading and unloading - reductions in custom due to these works.

You can shove the trams right up your arse. And if you like the waterfront so much, fuck off and live there yourself. You'll find the bus service is well adequate, no trams necessary, thanks very much. You'll find that the whores like the area too.

It would be nice if the council asked the people what they wanted, rather than taking unilateral decisions on the behalf of the political classes in the city.

Escalation

I was in my friend's pub last weekend, enjoying a pint and a chat with the delightful barmaids, when in walks in some pished guys.

I was interfering with the jukebox, putting some more Led Zep on, when one of the chaps came over and drunkenly told me not to change the music.

"I put this on, of course I am not going to change it" was my reply. He asks me how tall I am, he asks me some other random stuff. He then asks me if I have ever lost a fight.

*ding* *ding* *ding*

I was somewhat bemused by this, and told him I had never been in a fight before, so didn't know. (Not entirely true, but that doesn't make me a bad person).
He eventually fucked off up the back of the pub with his pal and his pint.

My pint is almost finished, so I order another, and I mention to the barmaid that I would keep an eye on those two, since they're more drunk than I am. (And I am not about to make a cunt of myself in a pal's pub). I return to reading the paper, listening to Led Zep, and drinking my pint.

Jukebox man returns, with half his pint, and starts drunkenly waffling at me. He then starts turning the pages of my paper. I explain that he's being rude, and go back to mostly ignoring him since his patter is pish, and reading the paper. He's blabbering on about something, and then he sticks his finger in my ear.

What the fuck just happened there.

Once is accidental. "Hey hey" said I, and not in a Herschel Krustofsky sort of way.

So I return to drinking and reading, and then I feel this finger in my ear again.

Twice is suspicious. I tell him to behave himself, and that he's not funny.

Fuck me, that's his finger a third time. Three times is enemy action. His arm was up his back and his body twisted forward far enough to have his head be close to the bar before his finger made contact with my ear. (I only held him with one hand, so it wasn't a particularly good wrist lock, but it served its purpose).

"What the fuck is your game. Cut that out forthwith, otherwise I'll break your fucking arm."

He seemed to get the message, his pal, by this time had come down from the back of the pub, and I told him to finish their drinks and take jukebox man away, which he did.

When did it become socially acceptable to stick your finger in a stranger's ear? Particularly when the stranger is the biggest guy in the bar?
Particularly when the stranger is me?
It's just as well for him I am such a happy go-lucky chap.

I think I might have start some classes for people regarding acceptable behaviour in public.

With every surgical strike...

... there is collateral damage.

So, I was out for a few small beers with Duncan and some other blogger types as arranged by Jeff. It was a pretty good evening, meeting folk, and chatting about stuff.

So anyway, we're chatting away. Someone was saying something interesting, and some jakey bastard flyering person wandered over. They tried to break into the conversation, and failed several times. The chap speaking was talking sense, and we other bloggers were all interested to hear the full story...

Eventually, the guy managed to find a pause long enough to break in to our drinking and chatting, to pimp some crap fringe show or other. I suggested we would be drinking, and chatting, and not interested.

He persisted.

I insisted.

He left the flyer on the table.

I told him to take it with him and fuck off.

He fucked off. But left the flyer.

I screwed up the flyer and threw it at him, and hit him...

... and it ricocheted off him and hit a lady at another table who was enjoying a drink, and otherwise minding her own business.

Of course, I apologised to the lady, and said in my defence that I had hit the flyering bastard with it first. She and her friends resumed their drinks.

Ah well. You win some and you lose some.

Haymarket doom

The BBC reports that traffic chaos is about to hit Haymarket - as if the current closure of Shandwick Place wasn't enough already.

Cllr Phil Wheeler, transport convener at the City of Edinburgh Council, said: "Edinburgh remains very much open for business while work goes on and every effort is being taken to ensure that access to businesses for customers, services and deliveries is retained".

Aye, apart from businesses being fucked by this... Like the Caley being demolished.

You can be damn sure if anyone else wanted to demolish a grand old building like the Caley, they'd be told to fuck right off, but since it's for the trams, oh that's ok then. Bastards.

Interestingly enough the links at the side of the article show...

How green are the trams?
Trams 'will help airport grow'
'A place where firms want to be'
'Unique benefits' of trams
A better experience for visitors
'They will aid passengers'

Nothing mentions the fact that the people of Edinburgh didn't have an option to say "shove your trams up your arse" or "spend our money on something we actually want". For the money, we could have a huge reduction in bus fares. We could have the roads fixed so buses and bikes and cars can get about the city without falling into massive holes where repairs have been botched. We could send all the cuntcillors off on a holiday so they'll not be here to bother us with their pish.

Trams kill decent boozer

The Evening Hootsman reports something that has been fucking obvious for weeks. (Well, to me anyway, since I used to drink there...)

The Caledonian Ale House at Haymarket has closed. Because they are going to demolish it to run the trams through there. Cunts.

It was the only half decent boozer in the area. The Haymarket is usually full of arseholes, and only has a couple of decent beers. Ryrie's reeks. The Caley had decent beer, fine fizzy lagery things, nice food, and bar staff that were pretty decent folk.The 12 staff have lost their jobs.

To say that I am not best pleased about this would be an understatement. That was my favourite post work boozer, since other folk coming in off the train could stop for a pint or two of an evening before heading our separate ways.

Who asked for these trams? How much of the city has to be destroyed? How much of our money has to be pissed up the wall on this? Why are the cunts not swinging from lampposts already?

Radiation alert! (Booga booga booga!)

According to the BBC, there is a radiation alert in an Edinburgh school...

"Emergency services were called to the Regent Language Training School in Chester Street at about 1900 GMT after the discovery."

So, it's a school... I suspect it may have been a school before it was a "languages school", whatever in the hell that is...

"The packages were found inside a cupboard, which was being cleaned. They had markings indicating they contained radioactive materials."

Riiiiiight. So we have clearly marked containers of something radioactive. What's the problem? Pop out yer Geiger counter, and see if there's an increase in background radiation, if it's safe, get it signed over to someone who can use it or dispose of it.

"The fire service and police have launched a procedure called National Arrangements for Incidents Involving Radiation.

Eight fire engines and 28 fire service personnel were attending the incident. "

We're paying for this, and they are taking the piss. Again. It's not a full scale radioactive (booga booga booga) incident, it's likely a couple of old physics related sources for showing kids Alpha, Beta and Gamma radiation in the lab. If it was something untoward, do you think they'd be clearly marked as radioactive? How the hell did this become a full scale newsworthy incident? Who are these people?