Piracy

The Hootsman tells us of a cruise ship being attacked by pirates, the pirates being repulsed by an on-board Israeli security force...

"the pirates retreated after the security officers returned fire and sprayed them with water hoses. The ship then continued its journey, with windows darkened."

Jolly good.

Now, what do you think a chap from the East African Sea Farers Assistance Programme said about this?

"Having weapons on a passenger or merchant ship is dangerous. They should have used other means to shake off the pirates, like a loud acoustic device."

As one commenter on the article said - is that chap willing to stand at the rail, and shout "Go away!" at the pirates? And just which African sea farers is he spokesman for?

I am reliably informed, by a friend in the Royal Navy, that our modern warhips still have a yardarm... When I asked him why we were not hanging pirates from them, or returning them from whence they came he replied that apparently returning them to a home country where the penalty for piracy is death would be a breach of their human rights. Ah well.

I think The Englishman has the right idea with an alternate cruise offering. His readers have some excellent suggestions for things to take on the cruise.

Arrrr.

A westerly view

I was at the pub last night (shock, horror) and noted some new beer mats - duly scanned in today...



My drinking buddies and I feel that for a west coast brewery, the "I'm still enjoying this beverage so please don't remove it, I'll be back in a minute!" was a bit long winded, and not the natural language of the west...

So we came up with the following:

"Just gonnae no!"
"Hands off my pint ya cunt!"
"This is my pint, there are many like it, but this one is mine!"
"Here you! I'm coming back for that!"
"And leave ma seat alane an a'!"
"Haw, touch ma pint and I'll chib ye!"

Feel free to make some suggestions in the comments.
If you're from the West brewery and reading this - the dunkel is a decent pint, keep up the good work! (And please don't spank me for scanning in your beer mat).

And do you know what?

You can fuck off!

Fat tests for over 40s, says the Torygraph.

Clearly I am not there yet, but a fat bastard I certainly am. The last time I went to see a quack was the best part of 10 years ago, when I was living in Texas. I had an ear infection.

And yet again, BMI rears its ugly, discredited head...

"BMI checks will make sure people know they are overweight and will help to turn their health around"

Oh really?

Tell you what, the only way you're going to get me to see a doctor is when I have an arm or a leg missing. And even then, I'll claim it's a flesh wound.

In the meantime, fuck off and let me live my life the way I see fit.

It's a loose lose situation

I keep on reading crap on the internet (I should probably stop there) where people have used loose instead of lose, and there / their / they're, and others too. Oh, what else is there?

"Its loose loose really."

"there not just police its the army? look at there hats MP? its a question"

Just fucking stop it! That and learn how to use an apostrophe.

Gaaaaaah!

The English language is being threatened by fucktards and lazy bastards who cannot be bothered to apply primary school level English usage.

And don't get me started on TXTSPK.

Sorry I got caught

Jacqui Smith sorry for expense claim says the BBC

Sorry she got pulled up for it more like.

It's not like it's the first time she has been up to no good with our money. There are more links than I can be bothered to cut and paste!

Why are we the people not outraged by these continual piss takes from our elected representatives? Why do we not hang them off a lamppost using piano wire?

Airgun confusion - no confusion

Again with The Scotsman...

Can we say: posturing move with Westminster?

"Mr MacAskill said: "The law around air and replica guns is too confusing and needs to be reformed. However, the Home Secretary refuses to either do this or devolve the powers so that the Scottish Government can."

No, it's not confusing at all, it's just that MacAskill is an idiot.

I think the comments say it all.

How about a nice cup of cancer?

How about a nice cup of shit the fuck up?

The Hootsman reports that drinking hot tea – between 65C and 69C – was associated with twice the risk of oesophageal cancer compared to drinking warm tea – less than 65C. But drinking very hot tea – above 70C – was linked to an eight-fold higher risk.

Next week, they will no doubt report that being alive can be linked to a higher risk of cancer.

Who are these idiots? Why can't we just be left alone to enjoy a nice cup of tea, one of life's few remaining pleasures, in peace, without some dunder-heid telling us we're a' doomed.