Angry Steve

One in seven kids takes a drink

2011-12-21T19:51:00.002Z

The Hootsman reports that one in seven of our beloved children (won't somebody think of the children?) are drinking alcohol regularly.

“A young person receiving the average British pocket money of £5.89 can buy eight litres of cider containing almost 34 units of alcohol – more than enough alcohol to kill them. That’s why minimum pricing is so important.”

Here's a thought... How about enforcing the existing Licensing Act (Scotland) and throwing the book at those selling to underage folk - which is already illegal?

Ach, it'll never catch on. It's enough to drive you to drink...

Tesco Ergo Sum

2011-08-03T23:41:00.004Z

Tesco.

Bastards.

I was just at (my formerly local) Tesco to pick up some odds and sods for dinner, which I did in about 5 minutes, and then I went to the checkouts.

I went to the left, which is where the checkouts used to be, to find they were all closed. I went to the right, and only found self service things. I went straight on and found nothing.

Self service it is then.

This makes me sad.

After more or less successfully scanning a bunch of stuff, swearing at the till, and then flagging down a member of staff to un-break the till, I asked why there weren't any humans serving...

Now, please don't think that I don't know how to work a till. When I was a mere PFY (Pimply Faced Youth) I worked in Iceland (the shop, not the country) and was crap at stacking shelves, but blisteringly fast and accurate at making the tills beep, and taking money off folk. Tesco, by having only self service tills open is doing PFYs out of work, and annoying people who know how to work tills, but due to how shockingly shite the self service tills are, require operator intervention every other item.

I am sorry tesco, but you are quite simply a bunch of bastards.
Get folk back on the tills!

Bloody Minded Wankers 1 Series

2011-07-21T16:39:00.003Z

Yes, the BMW. Once driven by morons, now made by morons.

On my recent anger management break to Mallorca, my pals rented a 1 series BMW. Nice enough wee car, manual, four wheels, air con... and some sort of bloody green hippy engine cut out to save the planet when you're waiting at lights.

Auto Start-Stop they call it.

"When you next come across a stop sign or red light, or join the end of a traffic queue, it won't bust be your car that comes to a rest. Auto Start-Stop automaticall switches off your engine whenever you're stationary and in neutral, saving fuel and cutting CO2 emissions. Simply depress the clutch and the engine restarts automatically."

Lovely sentiment, but it can get to fuck.

Sat on a hill, about to turn onto a roundabout, handbrake on, clutch depressed, in to neutral, engine turns off, just as it's being put into gear... FUCK! Now you automatically try to restart the car, but pressing the ignition button of course turns the fucking car off. So you now have to start the car again, wait for another gap in the traffic, just for this fantastic thing to cut the engine again. Bastardos!

Yes, there is a wee button that switches this "feature" off, but since the hire company thoughtfully blagged the manual for the car, we had no way to figure out how to permanently switch this feature off...

I'd be surprised if this sort of eco-ass-hattery hasn't caused a few crashes.

And in other news, despite this, it was a lovely holiday. I ate a little octopus. Tapas there is so much better. Almost as if they invented it or something.

Authoritarian much?

2011-06-22T19:20:00.002Z

Some Labour (quelle surprise) MP has called for the ban of smoking in cars carrying children. Why not go the whole hog and ban adults from smoking in their own homes you authoritarian cunt!

Or perhaps smokers should be banned from having children at all - it's for their own good!

For the record, the old boy smoked when I were a lad, and it really stunted my growth. (I'm 6'8", have no allergies, am not asthmatic, and am certainly not tolerant of this sort of bullshit).

Any other minutiae of our lives you'd like to organise for us?

Politically active

2011-05-05T10:21:00.003Z

If I had been truly politically active today, a bunch of politicians and their sycophants would be hanging from lampposts.

Instead, I just went to the polling station. Interesting how there was nobody there to harangue the proles.

Wall bingo will break backs

2011-01-09T18:30:00.005Z

You all know the game - put your card in, type in some numbers and see if some money comes out of the machine - that's wall bingo.

Recently, however, it has become increasingly difficult to play wall bingo due to the machines being lower to the ground than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.

After being at a cash machine with a friend - who also happens to be tall - I remembered I was going to have a rant about this wonder in accessibility that is breaking my back.

Cash machines these days are installed at a height where people who are 3 foot high can operate them, which sadly means that for anyone over 6 foot, they have to stand back from the machine (where's the privacy gone) duck down to try to see the screen - and if the screen has one of those privacy things, chances are you'll end up squatting whilst squinting to get the angle right so the screen doesn't appear fuzzy... All the while, hoping someone doesn't walk in to you or mug you because you're right in the middle of the thoroughfare. I am all for inclusiveness - but when there are two machines side by side, they both tend to be far too low to use comfortably.

I've found an ergonomic solution to this though.

- I just push the buttons on the machine with the end of my cock.

Freezing Fog

2010-12-29T11:44:00.003Z

When you are driving a fog and road spray coloured car, perhaps you would like to put your dipped headlights on, you fucking cretin. Then we might actually be able to see you.

Also, when the fog isn't there any more, and visibility is up to several hundred yards, turn your fucking fog lights off, the conditions even when at their foggiest weren't really bad enough to merit fog lights anyway.

This has been a public service announcement.

Facefriends

2010-12-13T23:12:00.001Z

So, you apparently have 35 friends in common with me.

Sorry, you're still a cunt, and I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Prime Mover

2010-12-12T14:32:00.002Z

What's the point of Amazon Prime?

I had a free trial of Amazon Prime, which is the fast shipping whatsit from amazon.com, not some tribe from South America... I, of course, forgot to cancel the damned thing and have ended up paying for a year of the service. When it kicked off, it was a good idea - I could get stuff couriered to work the following day, and everything was fabulous... When I could no longer get stuff delivered there, I thought, that's fine, I'll have them send stuff to the house...

I've ordered a bunch of stuff which is sent either courier next day, or Royal Mail special delivery - both of which require a signature on delivery, even though I have a perfectly good letter box that wee packets of DVDs and CDs can be put through safely and securely. So I now have two packages being returned to Amazon. Clearly, they're fuck all use being sent back to Amazon, since I am still after the aforesaid items. The one item that arrived safe and sound was an Amazon marketplace purchase, which came first class a day or two after I had ordered it. Clearly, that's the way forward.

In short, Amazon Prime is a waste of money, and I am an idiot for paying for it. I've made sure it's not set to auto-renew though - I'll be damned if I am going to pay for a service that is essentially completely useless unless you're at the delivery address all the time.

Never seen snow before

2010-11-28T23:20:00.002Z

Here in Scotland we have just uncovered a new concept in rain. It's like rain, but colder. It's not quite as cold as hail. It's a bastard halfway house called snow.

Clearly, we've never seen it before, since when it fell from the sky, the entire city stopped.

Today, I arranged to go for lunch at the society. I walked to the west end to meet my pal, and then find a chariot to take us there... Half way along George Street, I finally found one. In the hackney conveyance all was not rosy, as we braked suddenly on the slippery roads, going down Leith Walk, due to some fucking idiot walking out in front of the cab. Somehow, we didn't slide - I don't really understand why, given the typical grit coverage from the City of Edinburgh Cuntcil.

People seem to lose all sense of physics when snow happens.

One morning last year while I was walking to the station to go to work, I get to the Tollcross junction just as the lights were changing - the driver coming down Lauriston Place was driving as if conditions were perfect. I hated to break it to her, but they were not. I saw that the vehicle was traveling quite fast, and thought to myself - fuck me, I'm going to get killed if I walk across the road in front of that - and so I stood where I was. The driver duly braked when they would have braked when conditions were normal, then she fishtailed all the way down to the lights. The expression on her face was hilarious. "How can the laws of physics let me down in this way" her face said. Bless.

Actually, it was more of a "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU........slide sideways.......UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Which would have concerned me, had I not been stood behind a robust traffic light pole.

Unite says the strike would have been suspended if perks were restored

2010-05-24T11:49:00.002Z

Oh really?

Oh really?

The perk mentioned by Auntie Beeb is that staff pay 10% of the normal fare. That's 10% of, not 10% off, just to be clear.

Get back to work you shower of workshy gits.

Unite will soon reap what it has sown when BA gets humped by the strikes, the economy and the ash, and sacks the lot of the workshy staff.

Email address pARSErs on web forms

2010-01-29T10:47:00.003Z

I am fed up with people doing stupid things when checking email addresses on web forms. Apparently other people are too...

The main thing that really gets on my tits is this...
+ is an allowed character in an email address, for example:

bob@example.com (is an email address)
bob+randomthing@example.com (is the same email address with a +randomthing tag which helps people filter their mail appropriately, and saves people creating different email aliases for things.)

Far too many web forms do utterly stupid "sanity" checks on the email addresses entered, and are just wrong.

Stop it you fucking morons, read the RFC. It is the RFC that tells us what makes an email address acceptable or not, not whatever magical idea just popped in to your head. They're called standards for a reason.

Edinburgh council roads survey

2010-01-07T11:34:00.004Z

Oh go on... Tell them what you think of their services...

Road Services Survey

Give 'em both barrels!

The survey broke a couple of times for me yesterday evening, but eventually it seemed to submit my results (probably to the bit bucket).

Bullshit bingo

2010-01-05T22:19:00.004Z

The Hootsman tells us a rather amusing story of bullshit bingo throughout the country.

Please remember to play along at your own place of business.

When I was working for a .com in Texas, I recall they had a penchant for using such bullshit as "reduction in force" for sacking people. "going forward" was a particular favourite of the marketroids. We even had a mention of "family jewels" rather than what I hope they meant; "crown jewels".

More recently, I have been exposed to such crap as "webinar", "leverage", and "do the needful".

Tell people at your place of work to say what the fuck it is they mean.

Scotrail ticket machines are Scheidt

2009-11-21T14:29:00.003Z

Do you see what I did there?

I was in Stirling the other week, and on Monday was trying to leave.

At the station, they had two folk on the ticket desks, both occupied, and a queue of 3 people. War and Peace was being dictated at the right hand desk, and since I thought that given I had the exact change, I would rattle some money through the Scheidt & Bachmann ticket machine that was also in the ticket office...

I managed to get it to accept four out of the six pounds (and ninety pence) required.

After a few futile attempts at getting the heap of Scheidt, heh, to accept my money - all the usual tricks were tried - topspin, backspin, coins in fast, coins in slow... No joy. I had to rejoin the queue, and purchase a ticket at the desk.

What's the point of these machines if you can't get your ticket on time to get your train? surely being at the station nearly ten minutes before the departure, and not at peak time either.

Also, the user interface of the machine leaves a lot to be desired... I don't want a few default offerings (usually returns, or tickets to useful places, I want to tell the machine where I am going, and it offer me some fares. Just like you do when you speak to a conductor. A single from Stirling to Haymarket please. Simple. Gaaaaaah!

The war of the roses

2009-10-09T09:26:00.007Z

If I find whoever is picking roses from the bushes in my front garden, I'll stick their head on a spike.

If they would at least not damage the rest of the bush by tearing the flower off the stem. Idiots.

But hey, at least it's the second flowering of the year. What? I can still be angry and grow roses at the same time. Oh fuck off.

Puritans and Booze

2009-10-02T10:30:00.004Z

I had the pleasure of visiting my home from home, The Scotch Malt Whisky Society, on Friday of last week... As a member of the society, I do visit both The Vaults and Queen Street, but on this occasion, I was in Queen St.

A very pleasant evening was had by all, although, when we came to leave and were considering purchasing bottles of whisky we found we could not due to these new puritanical licensing laws...

At 21:59 apparently I am a reasonable human being, mostly in control of my faculties, and they are allowed to sell me whisky by the bottle to add to my shelf.

At 22:00 however, I become a drooling moron, and am unable to buy a bottle of fine single cask single malt. They'll still serve me whisky by the dram, of course.

Which utter fucking moron came up with this new law? Clearly not someone who is a member of the society, or someone capable of holding their drink without making a complete and utter cunt of themselves.

I would like to take these puritans to the society, feed them fine whisky, excellent food. Show them we can behave ourselves. Then I'd like to hang them from a lamppost with piano wire the following day. Bastards! Can't they just leave us alone?

GBL is paint stripper

2009-09-25T08:08:00.002Z

Once again we see the spin peddled about so called party drug GBL.

By calling it GBL, rather than its more common name, paint stripper, we shroud this chemical in mystery, and allow ourselves to pour pity and sympathy rather than scorn upon the people who use it "recreationally".

I use this substance recreationally - when I am doing some good old fashioned DIY in my house. Classifying it as a controlled substance is the most hilarious thing I have heard in a long time - does that mean my suppliers - B&Q and Homebase will be jailed for stocking PAINT STRIPPER?

I have as much sympathy for people consuming this as those who rummage under their sinks and drink drain cleaner.

When Paris Hilton was just a hotel...

2009-09-22T19:05:00.004Z

I was at the gym today. It's on the site that I work at, and so it is a bit of a sausage-fest at the best of times. To reduce the boredom, and provide background noise, some music channel or other is on the telly. It's council telly.

The music was interrupted to show some sort of guff... Adverts I thought. I should be so lucky.

We were confronted with two vacuous blondes on a bus, with small dogs. Not useful small dogs. Annoying small dogs. The sort that yap, and / or hump your foot with monotonous regularity.

We were treated to footage when one of the dogs shat on the floor of the bus.

I thought to myself, this can't get much worse. And the next time I looked up at the telly - I found out just how wrong I was.

We now see the silly tarts in a nursery of some sort, and we then see an infant having its nappy changed (by one of them).

Who the fuck wants to see that at 17:00 on a music channel.

Thankfully I had my cans on, and was listening to some classic house music from the mid-to-late 90s so I didn't have to listen to any of this.

Wasn't life better when Paris Hilton was just a hotel?

Dumfries shenanigans

2009-09-09T21:34:00.002Z

So, I was in a car with some chaps, and we were driving to Cardoness Castle at the weekend. We were involved in a road rage incident. I wasn't driving either, which makes it all the more amusing.

So, we pull out to overtake some slow moving person, and all of a sudden there's a guy right up our arse. As it were. He was driving a white VW Golf... I suppose it was a combination of our car not accelerating like normal due to there being 4 of us in it, that and the Golf driver having a heavy foot and being a twat.

So, he's behind us flashing his lights, and gesticulating wildly. We complete our overtaking manoeuvre, pull in, and he drives past (I do believe our driver and the chap in the golf exchanged some looks, words, and some hand signals) then pulls in in front of us, and starts pointing at the left hand side of the road. This goes on for a few hundred yards.

So, me, being in the passenger seat, made the well known sign of the wanker (clearly visible, obviously) and asked the chaps in the back if this guy was in his right mind.

So the chap slows down, and is indicating left, inviting us to stop and have a discussion with him.

We then speed up, and pull out to pass him as he is starting to enter a deceleration lane... At which point he sped up, pulled back on to the road, and gesticulated some more, waved at the left hand side of the road some more, then evidently got bored and drove on. (Driving like a cock as he went).

Should we have stopped and had a frank discussion with the man? I can't help but think that would have been an interesting moment when the 4 of us got out of the car...

Tram tweeter twatter

2009-09-09T21:11:00.003Z

The Hootsman tells us that TIE, the Edinburgh Tram (singular) people, have employed a "a dedicated "tweeter" to lead an online PR offensive".

Well, can't be any more offensive than TIE and Edinburgh cuntcil flushing millions of pounds down the drain on a tram that people DO NOT WANT.

He amusingly comments in The Hootsman that people should search for "Edinburgh Trams" on facebook - Amusingly enough when I did that, I found a collection of anti tram groups!

Oh well, better luck next time, and while I remember... Get a real job!

Scottish Roundup Meetup

2009-08-28T10:56:00.007Z

So I was the Pleasance last night with a few other Scottish bloggers, which was nice... There were a few new faces and a few old faces - it was great to catch up with folk. It was also amusing to find out just how small a world it is again :-)

Other than the occasional shower, and flyer, it was a very pleasant evening with lots of things being discussed - from politics (meh) to the future of the roundup to who was getting the next round in...

I am thinking we definitely need a caption contest for these... Now, is that a hand being waved, or am I getting flipped off here?

I can just imagine something outrageous being said here, the reality is probably some random political witterings... Shame...

Bin laden?

2009-07-29T10:17:00.003Z

The Beeb tells us that Edinburgh cuntcil is now 4 weeks behind on bin collections in the city.

I can see the point of the refuse collection specialists (binmen) - if they're having to do overtime all the time, then surely the cuntcil should change the routes / hours of work and base salary so they don't have to work overtime or so much overtime just to do the "normal" job. It's just dumb, but then it's just typical of government contracts, isn't it?

So now we are in the position where the cuntcil is paying a private firm to do what their own workers should be doing...

Here's a suggestion for my fellow residents of Edinburgh:

Stop paying council tax, and overthrow the council.

We can do this better ourselves.

BrewDog Burbling...

2009-07-28T11:03:00.003Z

The Metro this morning has a wee article about a (probably exciting) new offering from BrewDog - the 18.2% "Tokyo" beer. (Which I haven't tried yet)...

A 330ml bottle of Tokyo , made by BrewDog, contains six units of alcohol, which is twice the recommended daily limit.

Would that be the entirely made up limits that we found out were all lies in 2007?

Of course, the fake charity Alcohol Focus Scotland is quoted as saying something dreary about how we're all doomed.

What would we do without all this nannying? Perhaps taking some personal responsibility? But that would do the nanny types out of their public funded jobs, which would not do.

Godzilla wouldn't stand for it, and neither should we! Get the piano wire and a locate a robust lamppost!

I for one welcome our new beery overlords!

Attack of the Evil Terrorist Photographers!

2009-07-16T12:49:00.005Z

Via The Register, a chap got arrested for taking pictures of Chatham High Street.

"Alex Turner was taking snaps in Chatham High St last Thursday, when he was approached by two unidentified men. They did not identify themselves, but demanded that he show them some ID and warned that if he failed to comply, they would summon police officers to deal with him."

We are seeing more and more of this sort of nonsense, with jumped up officious little twats in the police harassing people in the street and abusing their power.

I am with the Anonymous Coward on TheReg, who suggests:

"Someone should start a twit/book campaign for a national "photograph the police" day, if everyone is doing it, they can't stop us all"

All this CCTV around these days, and when that chap took a photo, the police claimed to feel threatened. Well boo-fucking-hoo. And then the police wonder why people don't trust or respect them!

There's a reckoning coming.

Hippies in idiocy (almost) shocker

2009-07-14T07:59:00.004Z

The Hootsman tells us that a Disaster! was averted after a power cable was dug up by the hippies...

"The protesters set about digging up an 11KVA underground power cable, despite being told how dangerous it was and how it would affect the power supplies of local people of Douglas and the nearby hospital."

Were it not for the hospital potentially being affected by this, I'd say let the hippy bastards dig it up and electrocute themselves, and maybe flashover will take out a few more, and give others nearby a tan.

Fools.

Drinking with The Devil

2009-07-09T19:38:00.002Z

Well, the first I knew that The Devil was in town, was when he wandered in to my / our / his local...

I wasn't brave enough to take a picture though, in case he possessed my camera...

A pleasure as always.

Reductio ad Hitlerum

2009-07-08T11:09:00.002Z

It would seem Al Bore is playing the Hitler card...

The Hootsman reports:

"CLIMATE change poses as great a threat to civilisation as the Nazis did during the Second World War, former US vice-president Al Gore said yesterday."

*sigh*

I wonder when I'll get locked up for AGW denial...

My favourite Nokia product

2009-06-16T12:48:00.003Z

Here's a scan of my favourite Nokia product so far:

And the reverse side:

Yep, that's Nokia as in phones... Sako is part owned by them. Here we have a flattened box for.222 Remington cartridges, which would appear to be a popular choice for the hunting rifles made by Sako...

I wonder if the hippy types will give up their phones knowing just how diverse Nokia's interests are...

I have a sudden urge to visit Texas again, and do some more shooting.

Certifiable

2009-06-03T09:13:00.007Z

What is it with recruitment agencies and their love of certifications?

I am keeping an eye on the job market, and keep on seeing positions advertised for random places with a job spec that takes the piss. Not only do they want someone who is skilled in everything, but they're only willing to pay a salary of £20,000 or so for it. Do they really think they'll get decent folk for that for a highly technical job and keep them?

Recently I enquired regarding a simple IT manglement job - apparently it required ITIL and Prince2 certifications... What did people do before certifications? Oh, perhaps read CVs, see what actual real world experience they have, and make a judgement based on that to see if it's worth dragging them in for an interview. These days, it's keyword matching on a CV, and are you certified for... A poor excuse for recruitment.

Do certifications actually prove you're capable of doing the job, let alone a good job?

In my experience, no. (And from a hell of a lot of colleagues and friends on both sides of the Atlantic...)

The last time I interviewed anyone for a job was several years ago - dotcom times. We needed another one or two Unix systems administrators. A whole bunch of folks would be certified out the wazoo (technical certifications), and utterly incompetent at actually administering systems, and probably be a cunt to boot. But we persevered, and got a good guy who stayed with the company until more Venture Capitalist madness ensued, and he was "downsized".

It's worth noting that ITIL was developed by the UK government... Let's just remind ourselves of how many Government IT projects are on time, on budget, and work... (I know that's just asking for some smartarse to post comments about a project for buying toner or some shit like that).

I had the unfortunate luck to do a peasant level Six Sigma course recently (just the white belt). It seemed to embody everything I hate about certifications - it's stuff I did in a first year university half course on management. It's not difficult - and in fact it's mostly common sense. But then we're rather short on common sense these days, aren't we?

The only benefit of (some of) these certifications is that they nail down a common language to describe things. Having said that, it does mean that this common language is really a form of jargon, and pretty much renders the benefit null and void!

What scares me the most is that for a couple of days of course, you'll pay £1000 or more, and it's no guarantee you can do the job - just that you've remembered some answers long enough to pass a test, and maybe got a natty binder and mug for your trouble.

Anyway, back to recruiters being useless... I think the problem is recruiters are recruiters - they don't have a technical background, and as such cannot read a technical CV, see that the person is capable of actual work, since all they are doing is pattern matching... The answer to this problem is take recruiters out, shoot them, and go back to the company hiring their staff yourselves.

And in other news, gissa job... I can do that... Go on, gissa job!

I swear

2009-06-03T08:28:00.004Z

From a friend of mine who is a software engineer and is now doing an MBA sent me this link to an oath for business people...

Take the Oath

I will act with utmost integrity and pursue my work in an ethical manner.

Integrity? Ethics? Aye, right.

I will take responsibility for my actions, and I will represent the performance and risks of my enterprise accurately and honestly.

I will take responsibility and make sure I have a golden parachute so when I fuck it all up and run the company in to the ground I'll get a massive pay off, and a monster of a pension!

This oath I make freely, and upon my honor.

Ah, well, we know we're in for more of the same, since we know they have no honour.

Oink! Oink!

2009-05-09T12:50:00.005Z

No, not the pig cold that's going about... Our MPs...

The MPs who are taking the piss with their expenses.

Their expenses - OUR money, and they claim it's all legal and above board because... the system was designed by other MPs with their snouts in the trough.

It's not really the MPs fault though - it's ours. We allowed this to happen. Us.

Whilst the BBC reports on the matter, I am much more amused by The Daily Mash.

Maybe a good dose of Ivermectin would rid us of these parasites, but then the streets wouldn't be running with the blood of the corrupt politicians who we are allowing to ruin this country.

Hang 'em high!

Now there's a surprise

2009-05-09T12:21:00.004Z

"Key tram section to be year late" proclaims the BBC.

"SNP MSP Shirley Anne Somerville said she was worried some parts of the route may be scrapped if it runs over budget."

Some parts? It's only one track! ONE!

A TIE lackey makes excuses:

"Any delays associated with these works have been regularly and widely communicated to the local business community and residents in the affected areas."

Ah, so that's why there are businesses with these in the windows then, eh?

We're even down to blaming dead people for the delays:

"The technical challenges in some areas of the tram route, including the removal of a 150-year-old gas main and the discovery of 300-year-old bodies, have unfortunately had an impact on the programme."

All I am getting is "waaah waaah waaaah waaaah waaaah".

In a city like Edinburgh, surely you would have some sort of contingency plan built in? Same with their budget - but it seems they've used it up...

Still no signs of an audit, still no signs of the people of Edinburgh actually standing up to the cuntcil.

Attaboy!

2009-05-07T08:01:00.004Z

The interwebs (WSBTV, Atlanta) reports that a group of college students said they are lucky to be alive and that they're thanking their quick-thinking gun carrying friend.

Bailey said the gunmen started counting bullets. “The other guy asked how many (bullets) he had. He said he had enough,” said Bailey.

That’s when one student grabbed a gun out of a backpack and shot at the invader who was watching the men. The gunman ran out of the apartment.

Now, if you're taken at gunpoint by two guys, told to hand over your wallets, phones and jewellery, then the gunmen start asking themselves how many rounds of ammunition they have. They separate the men and women. Now one of them is about to sexually assault someone in the apartment. What are you going to do? Most people are powerless to fight back.

The first rule of a gunfight is bring a gun.

Of course, if this had happened in Britain, we'd have the student arrested.
Time and time again we see law abiding folk being victims because they are not able to respond to violence from criminals. It makes a refreshing change to see that a potential victim turn the situation around, and save the lives of his friends.

Just remember, when you have seconds to live, the Police are only a few minutes away.

It's the MEPs who need clubbed

2009-05-06T18:48:00.002Z

Well, I blogged about this last summer, and it looks like those bastards in Europe have done it.

The Hootsman reports that "the manufacture and sale of sealskin sporrans will be illegal from next autumn. This will affect existing unsold stock and also the second-hand trade."

I suggest we start clubbing MEPs.

Piracy

2009-04-28T11:02:00.004Z

The Hootsman tells us of a cruise ship being attacked by pirates, the pirates being repulsed by an on-board Israeli security force...

"the pirates retreated after the security officers returned fire and sprayed them with water hoses. The ship then continued its journey, with windows darkened."

Jolly good.

Now, what do you think a chap from the East African Sea Farers Assistance Programme said about this?

"Having weapons on a passenger or merchant ship is dangerous. They should have used other means to shake off the pirates, like a loud acoustic device."

As one commenter on the article said - is that chap willing to stand at the rail, and shout "Go away!" at the pirates? And just which African sea farers is he spokesman for?

I am reliably informed, by a friend in the Royal Navy, that our modern warhips still have a yardarm... When I asked him why we were not hanging pirates from them, or returning them from whence they came he replied that apparently returning them to a home country where the penalty for piracy is death would be a breach of their human rights. Ah well.

I think The Englishman has the right idea with an alternate cruise offering. His readers have some excellent suggestions for things to take on the cruise.

Arrrr.

A westerly view

2009-04-28T08:08:00.004Z

I was at the pub last night (shock, horror) and noted some new beer mats - duly scanned in today...

My drinking buddies and I feel that for a west coast brewery, the "I'm still enjoying this beverage so please don't remove it, I'll be back in a minute!" was a bit long winded, and not the natural language of the west...

So we came up with the following:

"Just gonnae no!"
"Hands off my pint ya cunt!"
"This is my pint, there are many like it, but this one is mine!"
"Here you! I'm coming back for that!"
"And leave ma seat alane an a'!"
"Haw, touch ma pint and I'll chib ye!"

Feel free to make some suggestions in the comments.
If you're from the West brewery and reading this - the dunkel is a decent pint, keep up the good work! (And please don't spank me for scanning in your beer mat).

And do you know what?

2009-04-21T21:56:00.003Z

You can fuck off!

Fat tests for over 40s, says the Torygraph.

Clearly I am not there yet, but a fat bastard I certainly am. The last time I went to see a quack was the best part of 10 years ago, when I was living in Texas. I had an ear infection.

And yet again, BMI rears its ugly, discredited head...

"BMI checks will make sure people know they are overweight and will help to turn their health around"

Oh really?

Tell you what, the only way you're going to get me to see a doctor is when I have an arm or a leg missing. And even then, I'll claim it's a flesh wound.

In the meantime, fuck off and let me live my life the way I see fit.

It's a loose lose situation

2009-04-15T11:08:00.004Z

I keep on reading crap on the internet (I should probably stop there) where people have used loose instead of lose, and there / their / they're, and others too. Oh, what else is there?

"Its loose loose really."

"there not just police its the army? look at there hats MP? its a question"

Just fucking stop it! That and learn how to use an apostrophe.

Gaaaaaah!

The English language is being threatened by fucktards and lazy bastards who cannot be bothered to apply primary school level English usage.

And don't get me started on TXTSPK.

Sorry I got caught

2009-03-29T10:18:00.002Z

Jacqui Smith sorry for expense claim says the BBC

Sorry she got pulled up for it more like.

It's not like it's the first time she has been up to no good with our money. There are more links than I can be bothered to cut and paste!

Why are we the people not outraged by these continual piss takes from our elected representatives? Why do we not hang them off a lamppost using piano wire?

Airgun confusion - no confusion

2009-03-28T17:59:00.003Z

Again with The Scotsman...

Can we say: posturing move with Westminster?

"Mr MacAskill said: "The law around air and replica guns is too confusing and needs to be reformed. However, the Home Secretary refuses to either do this or devolve the powers so that the Scottish Government can."

No, it's not confusing at all, it's just that MacAskill is an idiot.

I think the comments say it all.

How about a nice cup of cancer?

2009-03-28T16:36:00.003Z

How about a nice cup of shit the fuck up?

The Hootsman reports that drinking hot tea – between 65C and 69C – was associated with twice the risk of oesophageal cancer compared to drinking warm tea – less than 65C. But drinking very hot tea – above 70C – was linked to an eight-fold higher risk.

Next week, they will no doubt report that being alive can be linked to a higher risk of cancer.

Who are these idiots? Why can't we just be left alone to enjoy a nice cup of tea, one of life's few remaining pleasures, in peace, without some dunder-heid telling us we're a' doomed.

Industrial fuckwittedness and the arsehole coefficient

2009-03-25T20:53:00.008Z

After conversing with a number of people I know, some of whom I work with. Yes, I do work sometimes, I have come to observe a phenomenon known as the arsehole coefficient in the workplace.

For a company of size n, the arsehole coefficient is a, where a < n, unless you're really unlucky.

As people get pissed off with company, and the company offers voluntary redundancies and pay cuts, the good people in the company tend to go early because they are good people - they can be easily employed elsewhere, and can get decent salaries. As such, n decreases, a tends to stay the same, and the ratio of n to a increases - that's the arsehole coefficient.

The private sector is unknowingly or unthinkingly propagating this by not offering raises - some people I know haven't had a raise in 4 or 5 years - they've had the occasional bonus, but that's no use when you're talking to your mortgage people is it? The companies are not being brave enough to get rid of the fuckwits, and are generally being scared by the market at the moment.

As a result of this, they are haemorrhaging good staff who can seek a raise as they move to pastures new. It would seem that certain employers are hell bent on driving what few good remaining staff are there by making it more difficult for employees to stay (arsehole coefficient biting them there) and general bad feeling about their compensation - and yet I expect they'll wonder why their workforce is demotivated, their products are shite, and why the company is going down the pan.

Many of these companies are placing too much stock in their stock. (Whilst I do realise it is the duty of the directors to maximise the share price for the investors, it's also the duty of the board to ensure there's a company still there for there to maximise!)

The board is only interested in the share price - and companies are pressing on with share buy back schemes and so on, when it is clear that the stock market is in the middle of a wibble. They seem incapable of taking a long term view as opposed to a blinkered short term approach. The long term view of investing in their staff, and as such their product line for a pay off in the future, not a fast buck now.

If investors and management had any sense, they would insist that the long term stability of the company was put first. Short term fiddling of the stock prices by laying off staff, buying back shares, hiring contractors instead of permanent employees, and generally running the company in to the ground would be frowned upon since the long term stability of the company (and people's pension funds) would be jeopardised.

Long live the long term point of view.

Princes Street gets tram reprieve for festivals...

2009-03-24T13:46:00.002Z

Princes Street gets tram roadworks reprieve for festivals... The Hootsman reports that TIE have struck some deal or other to wind the roadworks down during the plague of tourists seasons.

So yet another knife in the back for Edinburgh residents who have to suffer for longer so that the tourists see nice clear streets for their 5 minute visit to the city.

I'd have the lot of them shot as collaborators.

Women are shallow and are after your money

2009-03-24T12:27:00.005Z

The Hootsman reports some amusing study results...

In a study carried out by psychologists at the University of Wales, involving 120 people, when women were presented with separate images of the same man sitting in a silver Bentley Continental, then a red Ford Fiesta, they viewed him as ''more attractive'' in the prestige car.

As opposed to the blokes who found the women equally attractive no matter what car they were pictured in. Quietly grateful for any female attention, no doubt.

A psychologist is quoted as saying:

"It's hard to fight against our genetic inheritance. I think women have always looked to men for some sort of financial security and the car is proof of that."

Ah, so they're not just gold digging for the sake of it then... What a relief.

Parliamentary inscription wanted...

2009-03-12T09:26:00.003Z

Parliamentary inscription wanted - The Beeb says we can send in suggestions for a blurb to be chiselled in stone on the pretendy parliament.

Here's one:

You're a shower of bastards and a waste of money.
You should be hanging from lampposts.
The collaborators should be put up against a wall.

I bet we get humped on the price for the inscription too.

Orgy story took my dignity

2009-03-10T22:50:00.002Z

Max Mosley claims the orgy story in the press took his dignity...

I thought being spanked by hookers did that.

Don't mess with Texas

2009-03-09T18:45:00.008Z

I went on holiday to Texas to see friends, eat BBQ and steak, and shoot guns.

Austin was warm and sunny, as usual - 80F (ish), and rained only the once. My timing was near perfect - warm enough to be pleasant to be out - evenings cool down fairly quickly though. Certainly not as hot as it gets in the summer 100F for weeks on end.

Amusingly enough, I hired a car (well, more like a tank) for the duration - a Chevy Blazer. I don't drive in Edinburgh, but obviously it's hard to get around a city like Austin without your own transport - and one can't impose upon friends for transportation all the time, particularly since they're at work, or up to whatever they get up to. The last time I was behind the wheel was the last time I was in Austin, which was about 3 years ago. They've sprouted some new freeways - toll roads, which make going places a lot quicker than the parking lot otherwise known as I35. And I only nearly crashed once.

Here are some pictures of my remarkably anger and stress free vacation...

Austin:

I worked in Austin, almost 10 years ago, during the .com craziness. It was all very stressful, I didn't make my millions there, but did make a lot of friends.

BBQ:

The evil people at The Salt Lick have opened up a new pit BBQ and restaurant up by Round Rock. I have made the pilgrimage to Driftwood a number of times for the fab BBQ, and now excellent MEAT can be enjoyed after a much shorter drive to Round Rock. They were doing a $3 off the family style (all you can eat) which is pictured above. Plates like that keep coming to the table until you stop them. Family style is best enjoyed in large groups and (obviously) when hungry.

Guns:

I'll not post pics of my targets here - they're online elsewhere. My shooting was fairly crap, but then again, I haven't shot anything in 3 years. For the record, everything hit the target card. Most hit close to the centre, but I have done better in the past. I was rather rushed though, Red's Range was closing early for maintenance so a blitzkrieg session was had. 50 rounds through a HK USP 40 S&W pistol, and 50 rounds through the (pictured) .223 Colt AR-15.

The 2 weeks I spent there were ab-fab, with many thanks to my hosts. I definitely could have done with staying for another week or so - particularly since there were a few people I didn't manage to see. That and I returned to find work in the middle of another cluster-fuck.

More help for students - the saviours of the economy

2009-03-09T18:32:00.003Z

The Hootsman has a hilarious opinion piece on why we should dig deeper for students...

"Student numbers are going up as people desperately try to reorient their careers. But, at the same time, those in full-time higher and further education are finding it difficult to fund their studies"

The article ends with a pithy remark about how more graduates will save the flagging British economy. (Although you'll probably have to actually read the paper for that...) Something about how, once they graduate, they'll make lots of money and spend lots of money, and that's just what we need.

That would be all very well and good if these students weren't all studying yoghurt knitting and basket weaving, and other such utterly pointless courses, at pointless "universities".

Go and get an apprenticeship - be a plumber or something! Then maybe I'll be able to get a plumber at less than 4 months notice, and an arm and a leg an hour. Gaaaaah!

At the third stroke the time will be

2009-02-13T23:31:00.000Z

1234567890

Huzzah!

Huh?

Bankers need a lesson in humility

2009-02-11T09:30:00.004Z

Fifth and final in the Metro rant series.

"The four bank bosses should have a 'lesson in humility' from the government, a peer urged."

Sorry - did I just read that right? is this the same government which took our men and women off to war on a lie? Is it the same government who had the mantra "Education, Education, Education" and promptly brought in tuition fees at University? Is that the same government who day by day create more laws infringing more of our civil liberties as enshrined in the Magna Carta?

We're locking up too many women

2009-02-11T09:27:00.003Z

Oh really? (This is number four in the Metro rant series)

Clearly the justiciary disagree with the head of the prison service. If people are naughty, lock 'em up. It's not just about rehabilitation, but you also have to consider the victims of crime, and the population as a whole are better off with some of these people off the streets.

--

I wonder if this boils down to little girls being made of sugar and spice and all things nice, and prison being too nasty a place for them. Prison is a nasty place for nasty boys - slugs and snails and puppy dog's tails.

(Actually, I like puppy dogs and their tails).

Gas guzzlers face £320 parking bill

2009-02-11T09:21:00.002Z

Number three in a series of Metro letters...

Is this the same story as last year, or are they actually going to do it this time? Correct me if I am wrong, but do cars pollute when parked? Do CEC expect long suffering motorists to sell up and buy new cars (ignoring the financial cost - just think about the waste of a perfectly good old car)...

This is nothing more than Edinburgh's car hating policy making once again - they are still spanking us for saying no to the full tram monty. When I am taking the train to work all week (assuming it's running) having a nice car to play with at the weekend is a great thing - this is nothing more than luddism. That and their failing, underfunded trams project needs funded somehow. They see me rollin' - They hatin'

--

We need to set fire to council offices and start hanging cuntcillors with piano wire from the lampposts. It is clearly the only way to stop this sort of shite spewing forth from the City of Edinburgh Cuntcil offices.

17-year-old mum of one expecting triplets

2009-02-11T09:16:00.003Z

Second in the Metro rants series.

Does she or her partner have a job, or am I paying for this as well?

(And now for the rest of the rant that I did not email to the Metro)

In the highly unlikely event of them having jobs and being self sufficient, please ignore all further ranting on the subject. Assuming that is not the case, why hasn't she been kicked in the cunt, and her boyfriend had his cock stamped on until is stops working.

Why do we let these people live off the back of our hard graft?

10-year-olds paid to stop smoking

2009-02-11T09:12:00.001Z

The first in the series of Metro rants.

10 year old kids smoking - where are they getting the ciggies from in the first place?

Why aren't these brats being spanked - oh yes, because the same politically correct crowd that told us we can't spank kids are telling us we need to bribe them with taxpayers' money to stop them from smoking something that will probably end up costing the taxpayer more in the long run in costs to the NHS.

Quell the rage

2009-01-23T12:05:00.005Z

As those who know me know, I try to temper my rage by going to the gym. It also has the side effect of making me thirsty, which means I enjoy a pint or two afterwards even more.

The trouble with being at the work gym (other than there being no women there) is that there's always some guff on the telly - 4music or TMF or some other shit.

Gym music needs to be upbeat - get the blood pumpin, body jumpin, and all that sort of (techno) house music stuff. What do we get these days? Shite rap - remember you can't spell crap without rap. Here's a youtube video - pish, but on the plus side has ho's, or are they bitches? - I can never remember, and the terminology changes so frequently... Anyway, women jiggling around in their underwear. Not that I am complaining about scantily clad hotties, but I think when it's the only redeeming feature of your supposed music, I think the point is being missed somewhat...

With the previous "music" over, a similar racket continues, interspersed with copious and annoying ad breaks. No wonder folk are so miserable - shite love songs, shite from people who aren't old enough to take a drink singing the blues.

Having had enough of this drivel, I was so enraged that I wandered to HMV and bought a complete set of Mahler's symphonies. I have been listening to this all week in between doing some work, and swearing at colleagues. It has been quite soothing.

Clearly the solution is for me to acquire some sort of walkman, and take some banging house choons with me to the gym and ignore the crap on the telly. However, I'll be damned if I am going to buy an iPod. An order has been placed with Nokia for bluetooth stereo headphones so I can make the gash battery life on my phone even worse.

Yay.

Cunts.

Awww, shit!

2009-01-17T18:42:00.003Z

Have you noticed the recent proliferation in piles of dog shit on pavements round Edinburgh? I expect it's probably the same in a lot of other cities.

People have forgotten basic civility - don't let your dog take a massive shite in the middle of the pavement. Sure enough, someone will come along and step in it, and then tramp it half way across the city causing wee brown shitey splodges for several yards (sue me) that everyone else to try to avoid as well as the original, slightly flatter, pile.

Do you remember when training your dog not to shit on the carpet in the house, that when you caught them pinching a loaf indoors, you'd rub their nose in it, and shout a lot? Perhaps we need to do this to the lazy bastard dog owners who let their dogs shite all over the place! Rub their noses right in their dog's shit pile. It's not the dog's fault their owner is an ignorant, inconsiderate arsehole.

I'd ask why the council aren't doing anything about it, but I think the simple answer to that is because they're a bunch of cunts who would rather piss about with ruining the city with trams than actually trying to sort something useful out for the residents! I'd also ask why people who have these turds right outside their front doors don't chuck a bucket of soapy water over it to wash it in to the drain? Sooner or later someone will tramp it in to their flat or close...

And for the record, this was prompted by the turd on Brougham Place which I have been dodging for almost a week. Bastards.

IdeaCom Technology Inc Windows Vista Update breaks the computer

2009-01-15T20:23:00.002Z

I have a Dell laptop, Precision M70 (who wants to touch me?) with pointy nipple and touchpad - both of which were broken with the optional "IdeaCom HID Touch Screen PS/2" update for windows vista x32.

I also have a Shuttle, Athlon x64 PC, running Vista Business x64 which also had the trackball on the keyboard fail after the update.

Do not install this update, it will fuck up your Qi.

It has made me very grumpy. At least remote desktop is unaffected by this crap.

Wise Investment

2009-01-10T13:21:00.004Z

The Torygraph tells us that Merrill Lynch (haven't they gone bust yet?) say that rich folk are buying gold instead of keeping their money in the bank, or under the mattress.

"They are so worried they want a portable asset in their house. I never thought I would be getting calls from clients saying they want a box of krugerrands,

That could be because nobody trusts the banks any more - no matter how the governments try to convince us that everything will be ok.

My pal Johnny sent me a link to a gold seller a few months ago. They do very tasteful little bars of gold, and also coin. I am tempted.

I am stockpiling, for The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, or other method of the ending civilisation, bottles of whisky (which I can drink) and cans of Heinz Cream of Tomato soup. Johnny tells me he's hoarding coffee and pornography.

I can't help but think I should be stockpiling some of these cartridges... And I'm not talking about for my fountain pen.

E-mail abominations!

2008-12-02T11:16:00.008Z

So, I have been getting a lot of email recently.

More and more email (real email - ham, not spam) is coming through in HTML format - HyperText Markup Language - the format of web pages... The clue is in the http:// - That's HyperText Transfer Protocol.

Email is sent using SMTP (Simple Mail Transfer Protocol). The clue is in the name! Nowhere in there does it mention HyperText.

Keep your filthy HTML to your web pages.

There's more to the internet than just the www!

Being a purist (luddite) I use a plain text email client called pine. It's great... I can log in to my email server from a far away place using ssh (secure shell) and get my email quickly even over a low bandwidth or high latency connection. it's not pretty, but it works.

STOP PRESS!

I was thinking about the subject of this post since I was engaging in a Flame War on a mailing list... And then... I receive an email invite to a wine tasting... A subject line and a 6.8MB JPEG attachment! WTF? How completely useless is that? And 6.8MB? What were they thinking - even in these modern times an email with no body text and a 6.8MB attachment?

(Deleted).

The 392

2008-11-12T10:22:00.003Z

Via a colleague of mine, The Hootsman reports that there are 392 sets of roadworks in Edinburgh at the moment...

"The level of disruption was today described as unprecedented"

Oh really?

It gets better... Apparently we have a "cone tsar":

"A spokesman for Mr Gooday said he was taking a "strategic view" of roadworks and continuing to work alongside local authorities as part of the Roads Authorities and Utilities Committee Scotland"

Well, if he's taking a strategic view, then everything is OK then, isn't it?

I suppose we should just hang the "cone tsar" from a lamppost with some piano wire. (What the fuck is a cone tsar anyway?) Why are we paying for cunts like this to fuck our lives up?

Now there's a surprise...

2008-11-11T19:21:00.002Z

According to the Times, and the BBC, the EU has once again been pissing money up the wall, and not accounting for it properly.

This is the 14th year.

If I ran my company like that, do you think I'd still be in business?

Where's my referendum?

Fife deserves what it gets

2008-11-07T00:41:00.004Z

SSP 212
Con 1381
SNP 13209
Sol 87
SSenior 297
Lab 19946
UKIP 117
SLD 947

Well, if they don't realise they need a change, hell mend them.

Non sequitur

2008-10-27T17:54:00.004Z

"Cut carbon to aid poorest countries in world" proclaims Stewart Stevenson in The Scotsman.

Away and stop havering a load of pish, says I, here on my blog.

"the impacts of climate change are not evenly distributed – the poorest would suffer the earliest and the most. And, as a responsible nation, Scotland could play its part in helping vulnerable developing countries."

Even if you do believe in man made global warming climate change whatever we're calling it because we're not actually warming at the moment... Scotland, which is not a great polluter of the world, should cut emissions (and cripple the economy and infrastructure) to give the third world an extra 30 seconds before they are overcome with the supposed climate change from the effects of China's increasing industrialisation.

I really don't see how the man's logic works there.

Spanking Edinburgh's Motorists. Again.

2008-10-13T16:21:00.004Z

The Hootsman tells us that the cuntcil are running a consultation on the proposed increase in parking charges for higher polluting vehicles.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but a vehicle that is parked is not polluting. It's when it is running that it is... So perhaps encouraging people to leave their vehicles parked would be the way forward. The vitriol between the luddites, and sane people in the comments is quite entertaining, if it weren't so tragic. 4x4s are baaaaad, they bleat. Forgetting that so many estate cars and large saloons favoured by those with families are just as big and just as polluting.

What this looks like is a simple case of the council trying to screw motorists in the city, and using supposed green arguments as an excuse. Mostly because the cuntcillors will be taking taxis everywhere, paid for by us, so what do they care? Bastards.

One commenter links to The Glasgow Herald. (They call it The Herald now, but some of us are old enough to remember when they weren't ashamed to have a west coast bias). Apparently Glasgow council had the sense to listen to their residents... Makes a change. Last time Edinburgh asked us what we thought, and we said no, the cuntcil spanked us by inflicting a tram line on us.

Why don't you take this opporchancity to tell the bastards what you think of their plans?

Common fucking courtesy.

2008-10-08T13:42:00.004Z

It's common fucking courtesy to stand out of the way when you and your pals stop to chat in a thoroughfare. Don't look so fucking hard done by when I stand on you, clip you with my bag or body, as I try (not very hard) to squeeze by. You stood there, in the narrowest part of the pavement making no fucking effort to stand to the side. It's not fucking rocket science.

It's common fucking courtesy to stand in at a bus stop. Or stand out. Just don't stand blocking the whole fucking pavement.

It's also common courtesy to at least try to have some semblance of spatial awareness - were I a mugger, I'd have already got your wallet, bag, purse, phone, whatever. Not merely walked hurriedly round you, whilst trying to give you a look that conveys the annoyance you have caused by stepping out of a shop right in front of me, to stop, and look around like the idiot you are.

The Beeb is reporting that Edinburgh cuntcil are talking about an express pedestrian lane on Princes St. That's a magic idea. It certainly beats what I saw a jakey bastard doing one day on Princes St, which was just walking at high speed into everyone, and swearing at them.

That all said, it's always amusing to "do the dance" walking down the street, trying to avoid someone walking towards you, who is trying to avoid you. You know exactly what I mean.

Scared of the dark?

2008-10-07T23:06:00.005Z

You should be.

The Hootsman is reporting that six out of ten of the country's nuclear power stations will be either off-line or at reduced capacity next month.

I truly hope that there are blackouts, or at least brownouts when this happens to hammer in to the government just how idiotic their energy policies are.

My computers will be OK, since they're protected by an UPS. As far as heating goes, my coal fire in the living room, and my being a fat bastard will stop me from freezing.

Better pray that the mythical global warming will keep the temperatures high enough for granny and granddad to survive if the electricity does go off then eh?

Is it just me or is everything shit?

2008-10-02T12:13:00.005Z

Why yes, yes it is. Particularly the book. If you want to read it, I have a spare copy. (My only copy). Please, take it off me.

It had all the hallmarks of a good read - claiming to be written by two grumpier chaps than I, and after a brief flick through, I paid £3 for it at a charity book stall at work. Which is just as well, since it turned out to be shit.

At first glance, the book seems to do a job of lampooning all political persuasions, but on a closer inspection it looks like their heart is not in it depending on the particular persuasion they are looking at. This is particularly apparent when it comes to things like the new global religion of environMENTALISM. They lampoon almost everything, but it becomes pretty obvious that they are utter hippy bastards

Now clearly, I realise there's a certain irony in the situation of me complaining about some guys complaining about stuff I approve of, and then me complaining about them not complaining about stuff I think they should complain about, but hey, it's my blog and I can.

So anyway, it does indeed turn out that everything is shit.

Holibags

2008-09-30T11:27:00.005Z

Well, even large angry people get to take holidays. I returned, yesterday, from Durham. It's a small city with a fucking ridiculous number of hills over a short horizontal distance. It's a rather picturesque place, although it seems to be plagued by joggers.

I spent time with friends in the pub - now, I do this in Edinburgh too, but it is a group of friends I don't see often enough, and obviously it was a different pub. A change of scenery, and all that.

One morning I pottered around in the Botanic Gardens, which had a nice soothing effect on me. I came across a giant water lily. Next to which, they had a picture of a small child sitting on a giant lily...

Something like this:

(I gleefully plundered that image from the interwebs). Conveniently, there was a mother with small child sat at the entrance to the hot house where the lilies were, so obviously I asked her if I could borrow her small child to sit on a lily...

Needless to say, this did not go down too well, so this is the best I could do:

Anyway, whilst in that neck of the woods, my friends and I went to Diggerland! (Watch out, there's annoying muzak on that site. Bastards.) I was driving a JCB, which was brilliant.

Well worth a visit - for kids of all ages. One of the gang was doing so well at digging holes, the chap told him to fill it back in... I was amazed at some really small kids being allowed to drive some fairly large plant around the site... Don't tell the Health & Safety fascists.

So, with all this done, I headed back to Embra yesterday morning on the National Express East Coast service, first class, natch. I had to evict someone from my seat, which was a pain, but then, I had gone to the trouble of reserving the seat, and he was clearly a chancer. There's always one. That and there wasn't nearly enough coffee served on the train back home.

Normal angry ranting will resume shortly.

Air show? No show!

2008-09-18T01:11:00.006Z

I was at Leuchars on Saturday there to see XH558 fly. That's a Vulcan bomber, for the people who don't follow this sort of thing... Possibly the last chance to see her.

Sadly, the weather was shite. As a result, the Vulcan did not fly due to not enough V for VFR. Just as well there wasn't a war on or anything. Bastards. How did this country ever manage to be great?

I did see the Red Arrows though. Again.

And whiles the Red Arrows are great, it's not as if we haven't seen them before - they do get around you know?

I was bitterly disappointed, nay, raging fucking mad, that the Vulcan wasn't allowed to fly. pesky weather and civil rules. Damned uncivil if you ask me. They did at least allow her to taxi up to rotation speed, which was nice, since the noise that the Rolls Royce Olympus engines make would make you think that God was angry.

I was last at Leuchars when I was a wee boy, so this was still a fantastic day out, even with the gash weather, and I'll certainly try to get along again next year.

Wendy Alexander and "Natural Justice"

2008-09-05T08:20:00.004Z

I was reading the Metro this morning, as I was suffering my daily drag to work on the trains, and read the article on pg 4 about Wendy not being banned from the wee pretendy parliament.

So, the (low) standards committee recommended that she be barred for 1 day for failing to register the donations she received to her leadershit campaign.

The pretendy parliament then voted 70 to 49 to not ban her for 1 day.

Wendy describes the result as "a victory for the law, for natural justice and for common sense".

I can't believe the cheek of it. She's sucking down OUR tax money as a public servant, fucking us by not playing by the rules, and she has the cheek to tell us that was a victory for the law? Common sense in that place has been sorely lacking for a hell of a long time.

In my rather angry opinion, a victory for natural justice would be that cunt swinging from a lamppost.

Edinburgh is a shite place to live...

2008-08-28T10:09:00.006Z

It's official.

The BBC reports that the happiest places to live have been mapped out.

"Edinburgh, despite its cosmopolitan reputation and internationally acclaimed fringe festival, was bottom of the list."

That would be because there are hardly any locals in the city... And those folk who do live here, have to battle through hordes of tourist filth clogging up the streets for one month of constant fireworks, flyers and irritating cunts talking about how great their show is, would you like a free ticket?

"Staying in an area for five years or longer was an important indicator of well being, said the scientists."

Edinburgh will have a lot of transient student types (the ones I complain about coming here, voting Labour, and second vote green, and fucking off again.) So this will add weight to the <5 years lot. I came here as student filth in 1996, and left (after graduation) for a brief spell of steak, weak beer and guns in Austin, Texas. I came back though.

And here I still am. And I am here because Edinburgh is actually a great place to live. Great socially, great to catch up with pals after work for a pint. Great to wander round the city, soak in the atmosphere, architecture and ambience... (When you can get moving when the tourists are away).

The trouble with living in Edinburgh is continually being bent over and fucked by the cuntcil. Who know better than everyone...

"Objectors ... have claimed it could jeopardise the city's World Heritage site status."

Didn't the chaps who came to visit us from UNESCO say this themselves?

Edinburgh's design champion Sir Terry Farrell told BBC Scotland: "Edinburgh is changing, it is becoming a bigger city in every sense, it's being recognised as a force in urban cities in Europe and in Great Britain."

Edinburgh has always been a great city historically... We know these things, we live here... The question is - do you? Do you use public transport in the city? Do you walk anywhere in the city? Do you talk to people who actually live and work here?

Do you fuck.

"It also has the tram and the waterfront, these are big changes."

Big changes? Big disruptions. Big waste of money.

We don't have trams. We've got fucking massive holes in the road. We have roadworks. We have ambulances delayed at junctions due to shite traffic management in the troubled times. We've got listed buildings being demolished. We've got businesses up in arms due to massive restrictions on loading and unloading - reductions in custom due to these works.

You can shove the trams right up your arse. And if you like the waterfront so much, fuck off and live there yourself. You'll find the bus service is well adequate, no trams necessary, thanks very much. You'll find that the whores like the area too.

It would be nice if the council asked the people what they wanted, rather than taking unilateral decisions on the behalf of the political classes in the city.

Edinburgh defends cycling plans

2008-08-26T22:14:00.003Z

According to the BBC:

"City of Edinburgh Council has responded to criticism from Chris Hoy by reiterating its desire to create a new cycling facility in Scotland's capital."

O RLY?

"But we do need external assistance to pay for it. The ideal situation would be that a new cycling facility is in place before the Meadowbank track is taken down and that is what we will aim for."

Now here's a novel idea.

Take the money that you're spunking up the wall on trams that are completely fucking useless, and are currently crippling the city, spend it on a velodrome, and do something with the change... Like give us a fucking break.

Really, it's not rocket surgery.

Escalation

2008-08-25T12:33:00.004Z

I was in my friend's pub last weekend, enjoying a pint and a chat with the delightful barmaids, when in walks in some pished guys.

I was interfering with the jukebox, putting some more Led Zep on, when one of the chaps came over and drunkenly told me not to change the music.

"I put this on, of course I am not going to change it" was my reply. He asks me how tall I am, he asks me some other random stuff. He then asks me if I have ever lost a fight.

*ding* *ding* *ding*

I was somewhat bemused by this, and told him I had never been in a fight before, so didn't know. (Not entirely true, but that doesn't make me a bad person).
He eventually fucked off up the back of the pub with his pal and his pint.

My pint is almost finished, so I order another, and I mention to the barmaid that I would keep an eye on those two, since they're more drunk than I am. (And I am not about to make a cunt of myself in a pal's pub). I return to reading the paper, listening to Led Zep, and drinking my pint.

Jukebox man returns, with half his pint, and starts drunkenly waffling at me. He then starts turning the pages of my paper. I explain that he's being rude, and go back to mostly ignoring him since his patter is pish, and reading the paper. He's blabbering on about something, and then he sticks his finger in my ear.

What the fuck just happened there.

Once is accidental. "Hey hey" said I, and not in a Herschel Krustofsky sort of way.

So I return to drinking and reading, and then I feel this finger in my ear again.

Twice is suspicious. I tell him to behave himself, and that he's not funny.

Fuck me, that's his finger a third time. Three times is enemy action. His arm was up his back and his body twisted forward far enough to have his head be close to the bar before his finger made contact with my ear. (I only held him with one hand, so it wasn't a particularly good wrist lock, but it served its purpose).

"What the fuck is your game. Cut that out forthwith, otherwise I'll break your fucking arm."

He seemed to get the message, his pal, by this time had come down from the back of the pub, and I told him to finish their drinks and take jukebox man away, which he did.

When did it become socially acceptable to stick your finger in a stranger's ear? Particularly when the stranger is the biggest guy in the bar?
Particularly when the stranger is me?
It's just as well for him I am such a happy go-lucky chap.

I think I might have start some classes for people regarding acceptable behaviour in public.

Memetastic

2008-08-25T11:04:00.003Z

I have just been tagged by Two Doctors in my previous post, with a "Hi Steve. You're next."

I was almost concerned too given my last sentence was "Tell me again, why we're not hanging these cunts from lampposts with piano wire?" but I think they'd struggle to find a lamppost high enough or strong enough for me.

Anyway, here we go, another meme...

Princess Diana's death - 31 August 1997

Sat in the Committee Room, at Teviot Row House (Edinburgh University Union). For at that stage, I was student filth, committing academic suicide by volunteering on the best union committee. Oh yes. I remember the girls on the committee wanting to watch the news. I think I had another pint or three.

Margaret Thatcher's resignation - 22 November 1990

I was probably at school (Allan's Primary School, in Stirling). I would have been 11, and not cared. I remember it being fun to tease a classmate, Laura Connarty, about her dad being one of those Labour guys... Ah, happy days.

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

Driving from my apartment to my work, on US183, in Austin, Texas. A colleague phoned me as I was driving. I answered, naturally, given you can do that sort of thing in the USofA. He told me to bring a cable for the TV in the office... Friends of my friends were killed that day. For all America is a huge place, it was a wee village on that day. There were lots of Texans out buying guns that day.

England's World Cup Semi Final v Germany in - 4 July 1990

I have no idea. I despise most forms of sport, but in particular, football. I expect I'd have been on my summer holidays anyway.

President Kennedy's Assassination - 22 November 1963

My mum was only wee then. What hope did I have?

Apparently I have to tag other folk.

Doctorvee
J Arthur MacNumpty
Kezia Dugdale (Entirely to see her reaction to the Thatcher part...)
Auld Reekie Rants
Tartan Hero

Foxtrot Oscar (EU Petition response)

2008-08-20T14:55:00.003Z

Just got this from our glorious leader in response to e-signing a petition on the No 10 webshite....

"The Government believes that EU Membership is firmly in Britain’s national interest, and remains committed to ensuring that the EU is focussed on adding value for its citizens."

That's all very well and good - but we the people don't necessarily believe this is so.

Where's the referendum we were promised?

Tell me again, why we're not hanging these cunts from lampposts with piano wire?

Arse Technica on IP address space

2008-08-18T21:22:00.003Z

Some guy, with a name I can't pronounce on Arse Technica is rambling on about the end of the world. Well, the end of IPv4 anyway...

This continual whining about how the end of the world is nigh really would make baby Jesus cry.

"A week ago, we reached the magic number of 2.7 billion IPv4 addresses used. With 3.7 billion possible addresses,¹ this means we now have less than a billion unused IPv4 addresses left."

Well, whoop dee fucking doo.

"However, we're now so close to running out that the exact figures don't really matter anymore."

Ach, away and stop havering a load of pish. If people better used what they had, we wouldn't need to be looking at a very fucking expensive upgrade to a hell of a lot of the internet. (New routers, larger routing tables, reconfigure stuff, pray it works. Swear when it doesn't...)

Now, bawjaws briefly talks about RFC 3330 address, a subset of which are RFC 1918 addresses - more on this later...

What he doesn't tell us is who "owns" a metric fuckload of IP addresses.

Now. Let's ask ourselves if these companies (and government agencies) actually need all those addresses which can be routed on the public internet or, if perhaps they could use a combination of CIDR blocks, class Cs and the RFC 1918 address space, mentioned earlier.

If this is the case, then perhaps the Class A networks, /8s, (that's 16,777,214 addresses) could be thrown back in to the pool, and re-allocated to more deserving causes...

Allow me to pick one company at random... Hewlett-Packard. (OK, I was always going to pick them - but does that make me a bad person?) HP has 15/8, 16/8. HP also has a number of Class B networks, sadly not listed in an obvious manner, but trust me, they have them...

Do they need 33 million IP addresses which are routable? Do they fuck. Machines on desks are given IP addresses which are theoretically able to be routed on the public internets. This never happens, because it would be utterly insane to do so, so this is a bloody nonsense, and should be sorted out.

Most large companies barely need a class C per site (office, factory, whatever) - 254 addresses. Remember, we're talking public facing systems here, not internal intranet stuff. You could chop up 10/8 across the international organisation of how many hundred sites? Say a thousand anyway, and you'd still be on waaaaaay fewer IPs than if you'd hogged a class A - or two.

So anyway, the purpose of this rant is to say that guy is havering a load of pish. The end of the world is not nigh. If people did the decent thing, and sorted out their own houses, internet addresses wouldn't run out for ages and ages, and everything would be fab, and my blood pressure would be lower, and I'd drink less.

OK, the last bit was a lie.

With every surgical strike...

2008-08-14T10:04:00.005Z

... there is collateral damage.

So, I was out for a few small beers with Duncan and some other blogger types as arranged by Jeff. It was a pretty good evening, meeting folk, and chatting about stuff.

So anyway, we're chatting away. Someone was saying something interesting, and some jakey bastard flyering person wandered over. They tried to break into the conversation, and failed several times. The chap speaking was talking sense, and we other bloggers were all interested to hear the full story...

Eventually, the guy managed to find a pause long enough to break in to our drinking and chatting, to pimp some crap fringe show or other. I suggested we would be drinking, and chatting, and not interested.

He persisted.

I insisted.

He left the flyer on the table.

I told him to take it with him and fuck off.

He fucked off. But left the flyer.

I screwed up the flyer and threw it at him, and hit him...

... and it ricocheted off him and hit a lady at another table who was enjoying a drink, and otherwise minding her own business.

Of course, I apologised to the lady, and said in my defence that I had hit the flyering bastard with it first. She and her friends resumed their drinks.

Ah well. You win some and you lose some.

It taks a lang spoon tae sup wi a Fifer!

2008-07-29T14:00:00.004Z

As the old adage says, it taks a lang spoon tae sup wi a Fifer...

The BBC reports that last year 7 out of 72 samples taken by weights and measures in Fife pubs were accurate... And that they are giving notice that another survey will be happening pretty soon... Nothing like giving the mean bastards a heads up so they know you're coming and can clean up your acts for a month or two before going back to their old ways then, eh?

Shame!

Don't get your sporran in a niggle

2008-07-24T10:43:00.002Z

The Hootsman reports that the fluffy animal loving people in the EU want to ban the import of sealskin...

Stavros Dimas, the European environment commissioner, yesterday announced plans to bring in a total import ban on products derived from seals that have been killed in a cruel way.

At the risk of being a bastard, surely all killing is cruel... And why should it be limited to seals? In which case, why are we not all tofu-munching insufferable bores? Perhaps the glorious EU will rule that we should all stop eating meat, whilst paying farmers to not grow beef or lamb or pig...

I think you all know where I stand on the issue:

"The wearing of fur generally in Scotland is seen as unacceptable by the majority of the public," he said. "Sporrans are one of the few things where it's still seen as publicly acceptable to wear fur.

Probably since most folk don't really know what a sporran is made from. And I would expect a number of people simply do not care.

Seals are culled for various reasons, and I think it is only right that rather than a slaughter (remember you can't spell slaughter without laughter) where carcasses are burned or buried, we should make use of as many of the carcasses as possible in as many ways as possible.

People seem to get a bee in their bonnets about seals, because they look fluffy and cuddly-wuddly, but forget the seal population has nearly tripled since the 70's!

As for the EU, this is just a typical show of control-freakery on their part. It all starts with one hippy bastard sponging politician going on a boat trip... Can't they just fuck off?

For the record, as if you care, I have just recently bought a sealskin sporran. It looks fabulous. And as is only correct, since the sealskin sporran is for dress wear, I also have a leather sporran for day wear... Quite the man about town, me.

P.S.

What's a seal's favourite drink?

... Canadian Club. On the rocks.

Monkeys on mailing lists

2008-07-19T13:56:00.005Z

I am on several mailing lists. One in particular, sunmanagers, is for people who work with Sun hardware and software. People who are on these lists are systems administrators, IT managers and so on...

The IT world is fairly small - I know this from working in Edinburgh, and when I worked in the USofA it was just as small a world over there too.

You would think then, that people would exercise common courtesy when posting to a list that contains people who you might be asking for a job in the future? Apparently not. People regularly ignore the FAQ, jump in with a question which has been asked and answered countless times (RED State Exception) or do not extend the courtesy of not bombarding the entire list with "I am out of the office" messages. I don't care that you're in the south of France banging your secretary. Really.

Another thing is people asking questions that Google will tell you the answer to, or things that if you just tried the command, or the man (that's the manual) page would tell you what you needed to know.

Here are a few examples I have saved for a rainy day...

Subject: FC help

Dear managers,

Please put down some resources which can be used/referred for FC storage administration/Troubleshooting on Solaris.

TIA

Please go and fuck yourself. Would you like me to do your homework for you too? How about telling me (roughly) what vintage of hardware you have, at least, before asking us to re-write various online resources regarding Fibre Channel storage...

Subject: Linux has psrinfo command- Any equivalent for Solaris.

1. Folks, Linux has psrinfo command- any equivalent for Solaris.
I am trying to know the # of CPUs, and their utilization at any given point in time.

Errr, maybe psrinfo would work. I don't know, I just typed the fucking command, and, like, there it was. (And yes, for utilisation, you'd want something like top, or prstat).

Subject: please remove me from this list. Thanks!

unsubscribe

Another personal favourite of mine - every email from the list comes from mailman, which has mailing list info IN THE EMAIL which tells you how to unsubscribe. How fucking stupid do you have to be? (Freecycle is bad for this too, but it's populated by techno-weenies, not people who are supposedly paid to be technologically literate, and run systems costing tens to hundreds of thousands!)

Subject: Questions

Question 1: I backup several files using tar. How can I restore an specific file from that tar backup?

How about... uhhhh, man tar? Here's an excerpt from the man page:

x Extract or restore. The named files are extracted
from the tarfile and written to the directory
specified in the tarfile, relative to the current
directory. Use the relative path names of files and
directories to be extracted.

And the classic:

I have posted some Sun questions since a couple of years in sun managers and I want to delete those messages , please can you point me to the right steps to do it ?
This is all the links that I have found on sunmaagers portal :

Nope, your dumb questions should stay there for all to see... There are several archives of the mailing list, so your stupidity will haunt you for a long time.
Bill tells me this is a fairly frequent occurrence too - with not just individuals, but companies and government departments requesting dumb questions being taken off the list archives - do these people not know how the internet works?

That all said, I am still subscribed to the list, and it is still a fantastic resource for people in my line of work. I've had a few fairly obscure questions answered on there, and apparently have helped some other poor sysadmins too. As much as I may have ranted a bit, sunmanagers actually has one of the best signal to noise ratios of any list I have ever seen! My thanks go to John DiMarco and Bill Bradford for running it.

Smoke... and mirrors.

2008-06-22T19:02:00.004Z

The Hootsman on Sunday gleefully reports: "Smoking's hidden death toll revealed"

SMOKING causes hundreds of thousands more deaths each year than previously thought, dramatic scientific research has revealed.

Dramatic? This must be the first time I have heard scientific research being described as that, so whilst my bullshit detector and bogometer have both just pegged at 11, clearly, they want us to think this is serious stuff...

A study, led by experts in Glasgow, showed heightened chances of dying from cancers of the colon, rectum and prostate, as well as from lymphatic leukaemia.

We're a' doomed!

Dr David Batty, of the Medical Research Council Social and Public Health Sciences Unit, based at the University of Glasgow, said: "What this study shows is that smoking is linked to more kinds of cancer than previously thought. It's important to remember that cancer is not a single disease and that the various kinds of cancers are different illnesses so you couldn't necessarily assume that smoking was linked to them in the same way. What's unclear is how exactly smoking causes these cancers."

Let's just run that one by again - "What's unclear is how exactly smoking causes these cancers".

In other words, they do not know!

What I suspect their statistics show is that a great swathe of society since the 60's, since apparently, most people did. If someone then got some disease, and they were of that vintage, then the chances of them having smoked would be quite high - and that there's not necessarily a causal link between them...

It's just too funny

2008-06-17T09:32:00.003Z

I have just shat myself laughing at this:

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable on Amazon for $500.99 (USD)

But, isn't that just a CAT5E cable?

No! Clearly it is somethign much more...

According to the reviews, some people are reporting this cable is capable of moving bits so fast that it causes the attached equipment to collapse into a singularity such as the one in Patrick Carroll's house...

"Since then, I can't find the cat, and my entire set of VAX/VMS 4.7 documentation (DEC Will Rise Again!) (Mmmmm, orangey!) has gone missing.

Another reviewer (Momo the Barbarian) wasn't so lucky and didn't escape in time...

"As I write this email, a small black hole is tearing through the space time fabric of my living room, consuming everything in its path (including my former pet Chihuahua, Wolfgang). A simple warning to prevent me from having reverse cabled my new joy for experimental reasons would have also spared me the horror of bidding adieu to 20 years woth of collecting (yes my cabbage patch dolls and hummel figurines are now faint memories of the past, for this dimension anyway). I bid you all adieu as I now see my walls dissolving... goodbye cruel worl"

Dan's Tech Reviews has another take on product:

"There's a lot of negative reviews of this cable. I say, why? It's clearly worth the money.

I sense you're skeptical.

Here's proof: Just 1 minute after pressing the button to order this, I had 7 phone calls from insanely hot women, and got 7 dates out of it. Coincidence? I think not.

I have a hot date for the next week, every night, and you don't. Why aren't you buying this cable?!"

Other reviewers have taken a different path on the piss-take, here's one from Jeffery A. Chabotte:

"A coworker had recently bragged to me about buying these cables, and when i told him what he was really buying, he was shocked.

He hadn't shown up to work for the last couple days and the boss got in this morning, he said that the guy's wife "found him in the garage, hanging by a noose made of some sort of speaker wires he had just purchased".

R.I.P. - Frank Grimes.

I guess these cables are pretty rugged."

Sadly, some people are humourless bastards, who are taking this all very seriously -

"$500 for a cable? Get a grip, Denon. Completely dishonest. I'll never buy any of your products again."

No, sir, I believe you should get a grip, and see that this is an utter piss take, and you should be posting something suitably funny as a review... Read all of the reviews, since most of them are pants wettingly funny. Remember, don't have coffee or any other liquids in your mouth while reading these. Your keyboard and monitor will suffer.

42 days

2008-06-11T20:03:00.003Z

Apparently that bill has been passed.

We're allowing them to piss our historic rights up the wall here. We might as well tear up the Magna Carta, and every other right that has been fought for by our forefathers.

But it's all ok, apparently, as you can be compensated if you're wrongfully arrested.

I wonder, if they arrest you on suspicion TERRRRR, and you're released after the 42 days are up, can you claim 42 days of your life back from these illiberal cunts? Oh, you can get some sort of compensation. That's just fucking great. I'd want the time back. But they can't do that, can they?

The government didn't do this when the IRA were blowing up people doing their shopping.

I am horrified and ashamed to call myself British.

Haymarket doom

2008-06-11T19:17:00.003Z

The BBC reports that traffic chaos is about to hit Haymarket - as if the current closure of Shandwick Place wasn't enough already.

Cllr Phil Wheeler, transport convener at the City of Edinburgh Council, said: "Edinburgh remains very much open for business while work goes on and every effort is being taken to ensure that access to businesses for customers, services and deliveries is retained".

Aye, apart from businesses being fucked by this... Like the Caley being demolished.

You can be damn sure if anyone else wanted to demolish a grand old building like the Caley, they'd be told to fuck right off, but since it's for the trams, oh that's ok then. Bastards.

Interestingly enough the links at the side of the article show...

How green are the trams?
Trams 'will help airport grow'
'A place where firms want to be'
'Unique benefits' of trams
A better experience for visitors
'They will aid passengers'

Nothing mentions the fact that the people of Edinburgh didn't have an option to say "shove your trams up your arse" or "spend our money on something we actually want". For the money, we could have a huge reduction in bus fares. We could have the roads fixed so buses and bikes and cars can get about the city without falling into massive holes where repairs have been botched. We could send all the cuntcillors off on a holiday so they'll not be here to bother us with their pish.

Coolest thing - a remix of Radiohead

2008-06-07T10:36:00.003Z

A chap on a mailing list posted this remix of Radiohead, Nude, from their album "In Rainbows".

For comparison, the original version of Nude is on YouTube

Ordinarily I hate Radiohead - all they seem to produce is music to open a vein to. I make no apologies to Doctorvee, who along with a load of other people, seems to like them...

That remix has to be the coolest thing I have heard in a long time - mostly because it appeals to my inner geek. Hard drive speaker array... Sinclair Spectrum... Epson Dot Matrix Printer, HP ScanJet... An old GPO Oscilloscope. What isn't there to like?

Spam stupidity

2008-06-02T11:24:00.003Z

So I got a bounced message today.

X-SpamTest-Envelope-From: ANGRY.STEVE@his..other.domain.example.com
X-SpamTest-Group-ID: 00000004
X-SpamTest-Info: Profiles 2969 [June 02 2008]
X-SpamTest-Info: {Headers: Spam B3: spamware from}
X-SpamTest-Method: headers plus
X-SpamTest-Rate: 100
X-SpamTest-Status: SPAM
X-SpamTest-Status-Extended: spam
X-SpamTest-Version: SMTP-Filter Version 3.0.0 [0255], KAS30/Release

So, your spam software detected this message was spam, and that the Envelope From header was likely forged... And it STILL bounced to ME. What kind of utter fucktardedness is that?

Backscatter from forged email headers can be even more of a problem than the spam its self. It's ordinarily not in our interests to /dev/null mail from postmaster or mailer-daemon because they are used legitimately to alert users and admins to stuff not working!

People writing anti-spam software need to be smarter. A lot smarter, otherwise they are only making the problem worse.

And as for ppp83-237-226-3.pppoe.mtu-net.ru, you may go and fuck yourself. With a cactus. A big, spiky one.

Justice

2008-05-13T20:51:00.004Z

I thought Justice was supposed to be blind.

Justice was never described to me as black, white, middle class, upper class, lower class, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, wealthy, poor, feminist, sexist, chauvinist, misogynist, or whatever.

The BBC tells me that Jack Straw is telling us that there are "too many white male judges".

Surely what colour they are, and what sex they are should have no bearing on the decisions from the bench? Perhaps I am missing something here... I want the best folk as judges, not ones appointed to fit some sort of quota. Maybe that's not politically correct. Maybe we're not supposed to have people who truly excel at anything in case there's an imbalance of some group or other, and 'tards have to be drafted in to make everything more "equal" like in Harrison Bergeron or stupider as in Idiocracy.

Lampposts. Piano Wire. Enough said.

Death and Destruction - to Hard drives!

2008-05-10T14:08:00.004Z

The Register tells us of a wonderful piece of equipment from EDR which can crush over 60 HDDs an hour. It costs $11,500, and needs electricity to run...

Pshaw!

I can do double that, for waaaay less than that money.

My solution, which peaked at 120 drives an hour, albeit with me putting a sweat on, involves some really good physics, and a fairly old piece of metalworking equipment.

A fly press is all you need.

Pop the drive on to the bed, stick a section of 2" diameter mild steel pipe above the platters, and spin the motherfucker down. The platters and motor tend to pop out of the bottom of the disk chassis.

I'll tell you it's very therapeutic, and almost made me feel like I had an honest job. I reckon, if I had an assistant, we could have punched the spindles on 4 drives a minute. Although my assistant might not have any fingers left... A small price to pay though.

Trams kill decent boozer

2008-04-28T21:44:00.004Z

The Evening Hootsman reports something that has been fucking obvious for weeks. (Well, to me anyway, since I used to drink there...)

The Caledonian Ale House at Haymarket has closed. Because they are going to demolish it to run the trams through there. Cunts.

It was the only half decent boozer in the area. The Haymarket is usually full of arseholes, and only has a couple of decent beers. Ryrie's reeks. The Caley had decent beer, fine fizzy lagery things, nice food, and bar staff that were pretty decent folk.The 12 staff have lost their jobs.

To say that I am not best pleased about this would be an understatement. That was my favourite post work boozer, since other folk coming in off the train could stop for a pint or two of an evening before heading our separate ways.

Who asked for these trams? How much of the city has to be destroyed? How much of our money has to be pissed up the wall on this? Why are the cunts not swinging from lampposts already?

Rail users get ‘simpler fares’

2008-04-24T10:34:00.004Z

c/o the Metro

Simpler. Because the public are evidently simpletons.

Notice, we're not getting cheaper fares. We're not getting better service. We're not getting newer rolling stock. That really would be news-worthy.

Of course, the problem has a lot to do with the different companies who run services in our wonderful privatised railways system. The "fares jungle" is only one of the problems, but I think that they have their priorities wrong. Get people to use the trains by making them more reliable, and cheaper. Not by hiking the prices year in, year out!

Some meme or other

2008-04-24T09:12:00.005Z

Fannybaws Grant has tagged me in a meme, and rather than telling him to Foxtrot Oscar, I thought I might as well waste your time by posting this shit.

1. The rules of the game get posted on the beginning.
2. Each player answers the rules about himself [or indeed herself].
3. At the end of the post, the player tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read his [or her] blog.

What I was doing ten years ago:
In 1998, I was at Uni, so I was probably throwing some irritating cunt out of Teviot, probably the best students' union in the world. That and drinking heavily. No change there then.

Five things on my To-Do list today:

(Not in any particular order)
Pick up an old computer from another building at work
Eat some nice cheese my pal brought back from Amsterdam
Sort out my drinking arrangements for the weekend
Put on a washing
Write some angry emails to the Metro

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

"I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man."
Bonus points for knowing where that quote comes from.

Three of my bad habits:

Not being rude enough to people who deserve it.
Voting. It only encourages them.
Picking my nose.

Five places I’ve lived:

(Not counting where I was born, I didn't stay there for long enough to count)
Auchtermuchty
Stirling
Newington, Edinburgh
Austin
Tollcross, Edinburgh

Five jobs I’ve had:

Paperboy
Shop ASSistant, Iceland (The frozen foods place, not the country)
Mainframe Operator (On an IBM 3090-200J, ph33r)
Porter and Security chap at Pollock Halls, Edinburgh University
Systems Administrator / Systems Manager at lots of places.

Five books I’ve recently read:

Persuader (Lee Childs)
Dead Souls (Ian Rankin)
Set in Darkness (Ian Rankin)
The one that got away (Chris Ryan, of the Hereford Author's Club)
Pandemic (James Barrington)

Five people or communities I’m going to tag:

Bollocks to that. People will do it if they want to.

But I will tag Doctorvee, because he should really be studying for his exams. And J. Arthur Macnumpty, again, because I can.

I am unlikely to get any more bad luck, or other such bullshit from breaking the meme. Although as my friend Peter Salus often says, "It's usually at its darkest before it goes completely black."

Scottish Roundup - April 20th

2008-04-20T11:55:00.001Z

Edited by me...

Oh, how they'll regret that!

Check it out on the Scottish Roundup site.

Passive Drinking

2008-04-17T10:21:00.003Z

This mornings Metro tells me the utter bastards have come for my booze.

They can fuck right off! I am keeping my stash of fine, cask strength, single malt whiskies. (From the Scotch Malt Whisky Society, natch).

"'Passive drinking' needs to become as big an issue as passive smoking to stop alcohol abuse, health campaigners demanded yesterday."

These weary wullies need to go and take a long, hard look at themselves, then fuck off and die.

"The strongest evidence is for taxation and pricing."

Just as well I can afford decent booze then... And for those who can't, I suspect we'll go back to illicit stills, and going blind from methanol poisoning.

Can't these busybodies just fuck off and let us have some enjoyment in our otherwise miserable lives?

"Alcohol, it says, should be viewed in the same way as tobacco, which has been restricted because of its health effects on others."

You mean like restrict its sale to over 18s, and have the premises who sell it be licensed?

First they came for the smokers, now it's the drinkers... What's next? Fuck me, soon I'll need a government permit to scratch my own arse.

Count to 10

2008-04-15T15:50:00.002Z

According to the Daily Record, Scots gang members are to get anger management counselling...

Awww the wee diddums.

"Knife-wielding thugs will be taught to count to 10 to cool down instead of lashing out."

I am sorry, did I just read that right...

"Gang members will be encouraged to attend classes on anger management and "territorialism issues" as part of local projects which also involve football coaching, music, drama and other activities."

They say that this works, however I can't help but feel the wee ned bastards are missing out on something with this regime of understanding and reforming - like the punishment part...

The article tells us one gang in Glasgow was responsible for 450 crimes in 1 year - to the victims of these crimes, it must look like these kids are getting off a damn sight lighter than they should.

Webby?

2008-04-12T21:27:00.002Z

As I was out looking around the interweb.www, I stumbled across the Webby awards...

Apparently Facebook has been nominated in the "Best Practices" category - would that be the same Facebook which had (has?) so many privacy issues?

Political Blog has the Grauniad's Comment is Free... Trouble is, with comment is free is that you get what you pay for. Utter shite.

Humour - I refuse to spell that the American way, as on the webby-site. I Can Has Cheezburger? - I have to admit, I do sometimes giggle at some of the submissions.

News - I have mixed feelings about the BBC being there. Whilst I like to think the BBC news can be very good, some of the shameless corrupting of the news, by the biased-BBC is intolerable.

Newspaper - The Guardian. Oh dear.

Restaurant - McDonalds? What the holy hell is that doing there? Having that there would mean acceptance that McDonalds sells food. It clearly does not, and therefore cannot be considered a restaurant.

So, I have wasted half an hour or so looking at some of these links, and can't help that "webby" isn't really the name for that site. "Pishy" would be much more appropriate.

Next target for quacks: supersize booze measures

2008-04-12T11:53:00.004Z

The BBC reports that doctors have supersize booze measures in their sights because weak and feeble mortals get pished after X large glasses of booze... Of course, they'd be just as pished after 2X small glasses, and that would be ok, wouldn't it?

This from the same people who made up the booze limits out of thin air.

Physician, fuck thyself!

Abortion Deficit

2008-03-28T22:09:00.008Z

There is, in the United Kingdom, a problem with abortion.

Not enough are performed.

Too many people that walk the streets today should have been put in a hessian sack and thrown in the river and drowned as soon as they were shat out into the world.

The Shannon Matthews case - Her mother, Karen.

Why exactly do we allow people to live off the state, and by the state, I mean folk like us who work for a living, to have money taken off us by the government to fund a woman who has 7 kids by 5 different fathers.

Of course the government are not happy about the tory councillor who said that spongers like her should be sterilised... These people are likely to go on not working for a living, and shitting out yet more children who will keep suckling from the state's teat, keep on voting (probably for Labour) (assuming they do vote) to allow them to live by our hard graft.

Sooner or later, we're going to end up living in an idiocracy because we are letting this happen to our country!

A fair number of folk who are commenting on those news reports are in favour of not letting people like Karen Matthews rip the pish like she clearly has been.

Get a job. Shut your legs. I am not paying for you to breed more workshy fuck-trophies.

Booze at 21 - Whisky Tango Foxtrot?

2008-03-21T22:22:00.003Z

The BBC reports that the drinking age in Scotland "could" be raised to 21...

I'll hold on for a moment for you to calm down.

Right.

I thought the problem with drinking in this country was due to people under 18 getting fucked out of their skulls on Buckfast, cheap cider and purple tin. If they are drinking while under 18, then how is changing the drinking age to 21 going to help anything.

"People in Scotland are twice as likely to die from alcohol-related deaths than elsewhere in the UK."

And the "government" driving us to drink is going to help, how?

"We all know that Scotland as a nation has a drink problem and the implications of this are very serious - not least for our health."

Which is exactly why I am going to have another drink.

Foxtrot Oscar.

Sinful

2008-03-12T23:21:00.002Z

Damn thing made me angry doing the quiz.

Via The Devil's Kitchen:

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Very High
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	High
Envy:	High
Lust:	High
Pride:	High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com